


Standing Still

by pok3d3x



Series: Oath of the Gaywatch [3]
Category: Magic: The Gathering
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting to Know Each Other, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-09 13:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8893216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pok3d3x/pseuds/pok3d3x
Summary: Runs pretty concurrently with Looking Back, starting at about the same time.Gideon is training the Gatewatch in melee combat, and he's getting to know his teammates better. Jace is just trying to get used having roommates that are always there, and how it forces him to deal with things in a completely new way.





	1. Chapter 1

Jace's hand tightened on the hilt of the blade he wielded. He held it backhand currently, having done a decently graceful maneuver to get it there.

"I didn't realize you were so practiced with a blade," Gideon encouraged, the rippling gold fading over his right bicep where Jace had just stabbed at. The blades were dulled, of course, but a hit still might draw blood. It was good practice to intuite when he should raise his barrier.

Jace flashed him a slightly arrogant smile, quite proud of himself that he had actually managed to land a hit. Gideon was beginning to have to actually pay attention, which was about the best praise he could give the significantly less skilled fighter. "Learned all I know from a good friend," Jace explained, trying to spin the dagger impressively but dropping it. Chuckling as he bent over to pick it up, he muttered," Sure didn't learn all he knew."

Gideon waited for Jace to be ready again before sending a slow swipe his way, just short of making contact with his neck. "Dead again," he joked, smiling too friendly for Jace to take offense.

Jace sighed and asked," How many times have you killed me in just this practice?"

Gideon sheathed his blade and answered," We just hit ten. Let's call it a day. You're getting tired." Jace had good form—movements a little sharper than his weapon—but he got exhausted easily and it showed in how sloppy his dodging and attacking became. He hadn't broken a sweat himself, but Jace's breath was already coming in a little short.

"Yeah, you're right," Jace acknowledged. He didn't want to think about how Lavinia was right; he needed to exercise more. Anyways, that meant he could put his cloak back on, which he looked forward to. The fabric of his shirt was so light that it moved freely, and he hated how it got snagged on his scars and made them itch.

He put the dagger back on the rack of weapons Gideon had out in the training room. They weren't like the ones Kallist had taught him with. They were close, but the weight felt off in the hilts. Hand still on handle of the dagger as it rested in its designated spot, Jace's eyes grew a little unfocused and Gideon noticed.

"Everything alright, friend?" He rested a hand over Jace's shoulder, engulfing the smaller man's shoulder easily. 

It took Jace a few seconds to register what had been asked, and looked to Gideon with a forced smile. "Of course. Just tired," he dismissed. It wasn't convincing, but he was relieved when Gideon went with it.

He saw Gideon holding his cloak for him, and Jace appreciatively took the offered comfort, quickly slipping it on and doing the buckles to keep it in place without a second thought. 

"We should practice tomorrow or the day after again. Your form relaxes when we wait a whole week to spar."

Jace couldn't stop himself from groaning. He liked Gideon enough, and occasional playing around—well, Gideon insisted it was combat practice, but Jace would rather not rely on his martial skills—with blades was fun, but regimented exercise was less than exciting. Gideon always insisted on warming up, and that included _running_.

With an amused quirk of an eyebrow, Gideon ribbed," Afraid I'll make you run the full two miles I keep saying we will?" He always started off warm-ups with a light run, but Jace always got short of breath by just a few minutes of jogging. Today they'd managed to get in a full mile going slow, but he seriously doubted he'd be able to convince Jace to run that much again tomorrow.

"I may have been a maze runner, but I'm not about to go running for no reason."

"The reason is your health and happiness," Gideon insisted with a good natured laugh.

Jace looked to him with a nonplussed grin and asked," Have you ever met me?" Health was not his forté. If it weren't for Lavinia, he would probably forget to eat until he passed out. He'd done it enough before to be familiar with how it felt.

They began to walk to the kitchen to draw some water. It may not have been a very intense workout, but it was a good habit to drink plenty of water anyways, and Gideon did worry about Jace's health. Sometimes he wondered how the mind mage took care of himself, now that he lived with him and could witness just how much he had to be reminded about simple things like sleeping. Sure, Gideon could deprive himself of rest and food when he needed to, but Jace honestly just seemed to forget that the body needed them even while peace prevailed.

After grabbing some glasses of water, Jace finished mulling over Gideon's proposal and said," Okay, we can practice tomorrow, but I'll have a timepiece readied, and I swear if we go over ten minutes of running, I'm done."

He didn't mind so much, definitely not as much as vocally protested, and he liked working one on one with Gideon. It was good to brush up on his knife and sword skills too, since he had been quite rusty when Gideon first suggested they train together. That he rarely wore a shirt while working out was a bonus that Jace would never admit to appreciating out loud.

Gideon nodded, warmth coming from his friendly smile. "Sounds good," he formally acknowledged. His goal of everyone being able to protect themselves with simple weapons was just as much out of ensuring safety no matter what unexpected events they came up against as it was out of getting to know his teammates better. A warrior could learn a lot about someone from sparring together, and the togetherness bred from training with each other would only help them protect the multiverse as future threats manifested.


	2. Chapter 2

Jace wasn't tired yet, they'd only been sparring for a few minutes, and he didn't know why he was beginning to tremble. It was evident in every parry he made.

Swish, twist, slice, block, grab arm—Jace was keeping up but as his fingers curled around Gideon's wrist, he dropped his own knife and had to back away. "I-I can't keep practicing," he said shakily, raising a hand to wipe his brow and finding it cold but sweaty.

Gideon felt bad for not noticing earlier, having been too caught up in sparring, and asked," Is everything alright?" Jace didn't look well, a slick pallor stealing the color from his already pale cheeks.

"Fine," Jace hastily insisted, but his vision swam as he bent down to pick up his knife. Kallist would give him such a hard time for how often he dropped his weapon. There was a reason he'd spent so much of his time teaching Jace how to steal the other's knife while blocking. It clattered as he fumbled with it.

Lowering himself so they could see eye to eye, Gideon quietly assured," We're teammates. You can tell me if something's wrong. I want you to be comfortable, and if training is too—"

Jace abandoned the knife he couldn't successfully pick up and righted himself, feeling a little dizzy. It was weird to have the vantage point between himself and Gideon, but he couldn't even enjoy it as he felt like he might pass out. His words were thin, his breath too light to sustain loud speech, as he mumbled," No, I'm fine, I jus-s-st-"

He fled before Gideon could say anything.

~~  
~~

It was four days before anyone saw Jace around his sanctum. According to Lavinia he'd been to the Guildmeet early every day and stayed late every night, not missing any of his duties in any capacity. Gideon was beginning to suspect he was sleeping there.

Everyone else was gathered at the master library's table enjoying a late breakfast when he finally showed up, quiet and clutching his plate of food like it might run away. 

He sat at the head of the table as they always left open for him, and stared at his food troubledly. He could feel the piqued interest, the curiosity, the attention all focused on him. The worst part of his powers was how little was left up to the imagination. He wasn't just being self-conscious and projecting his feelings on them; he could literally sense a tangible sensation of their concern against his mind.

Nissa made an effort to pay extra attention to her meal as she ate in small bites, and Chandra unabashedly looked to him inquisitively—no doubt wanting to ask if they were still hanging out that night. Gideon took a stab at normalizing the situation by starting up a conversation. "Nissa and I have been practicing with her powers lately. Would you be interested in—"

"No," Jace sharply interrupted, cursing under his breath at how urgently that came out. Way not to stand out. He pulled his hood up as a feeling of stupidity and embarrassment bloomed in his chest.

"I was going to ask if you wished to watch sometime," Gideon said a little softer. He knew better than to ask the mind mage to train with his powers. No one here had any clue as to how to be helpful in practicing mind magic. "A third, uninvolved eye might offer some different insight to where we could both improve."

"R-right. I could sit in sometime." He meekly prodded his food, trying to muster up the will to actually take a bite. He should be hungry; all he'd eaten over the past few days was some hardy fruit, and only at Lavinia's insistence.

The attempt at conversation didn't ease up the tension at all, Gideon lamented. He didn't know what could chip away at the unease, so he returned his efforts to just eating. He wondered how they could make the team more cohesive. They were fine on the battlefield, though of course they could always improve, but at home they had nothing in common. Aside from meals and his training sessions, they all hung out independently for the most part. It didn't make for a strong team attitude.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mentions of The Purifying Fire in this chapter and future ones, kind of spoilery if you intend to read it. Agents of Artifice will also be pretty prevalent in this chapter (and story in general). Not in a way that you have to have read those books to follow what's going on, but key parts of their plot will be mentioned.
> 
> For clarity's sake, this chapter takes place somewhere between chapter five and six of Looking Back.

Jace rubbed his sweaty palms against his trousers, nervous about sharing his first memory with Chandra that would be from after his first planeswalk. What if adult him was just as boring as child him? She had thought it weird he prime factored to pass by time. On the same hand, he didn't want to share what was obviously an exciting time of his life and admit to being part of an interplanar mafia—one that had him attack her on Regatha and flagrantly invade and mutilate her mind.

He needed a nice, neutral memory to share.

He busied himself with pouring the rather expensive wine Teysa had recently gifted him, using the flutes she had gifted him the week after his new status as Guildpact. He blushed as he remembered the comment she'd made regarding her _intimate_ (emphasis was hers) involvement with the last Guildpact. She'd merely smirked as he'd stammered, amused it was so easy to get under his skin.

The two of them sat on his seldom used porch, the light breeze playing with her hair. She looked like she just rolled out of bed, despite it being well into the day, standing out a little in the nice veranda and by the probably near eighty zino bottle of wine. The only reason Jace _didn't_ stand out equally sloppy was because of his illusions.

"Woah, I didn't realize being a legal document paid so good," Chandra joked, taking her flute of sparkling wine.

Deciding to overlook the grammatical error, Jace shrugged as he took his flute and clarified," Being important to the Orzhov does."

"Well, cheers to bribery," she offered with a small chuckle, holding her glass out.

He lightly clinked his flute to her and muttered a returned "cheers". 

She took in his reserved mein and asked," Everything alright?"

"Ah, just trying to think of what I should share today," he said, choosing to be straightforward for once. They were past a month of doing this every week, and he felt he was getting to know her rather well.

Chandra hummed to herself as she looked up to the sky for guidance. "How about a meal? One you really liked that's from another plane? I've gotten pretty used to Ravnican food, so something else would be kind of cool."

There were so many planes, each with their own foods and specialties. A single planeswalker could never hope to try every dish known to people from all around the multiverse.

Jace thought about the proposition for a moment before nodding. "Sure, I can do that."

"Alright, I'm ready too," she said with a mischievous grin, and Jace loathed that it would be another adrenaline thrumming fall towards land or something similarly terrifying. His obvious trepidation at what she was about to share only made her grin wider.

He took a sip of wine, then set it safely to the table so he couldn't spill whenever he felt the lurching sensation of hurtling through the air faster than any sane human could be meant to. Blinking slowly to reveal glowing eyes, he tested the waters to make sure she was truly ready. Yes, she was focusing on one memory.

Reaching out fully, he bridged their minds and let the memories unfurl.

Jace was surprised by the simplicity of her chosen memory. Watching a sunset on Regatha. It was beautiful, watching the sun fall between the peaks and seeing the golden light warm the mountains before fading to a soft pink, only to rest in navy depths. They looked up to the night sky, able to see individual stars blink into existence with no obstruction from city light.

It was breathtaking, but more importantly, nostalgic and _home_.

Meanwhile, she experienced eating udon on Kamigawa. It was called kitsune udon, because a large piece of fried tofu topped it, making it an ideal meal of fox spirits. As he recounted the lore of kitsune, she too was able to have her breath taken away by an understanding of a piece of another culture, unlike she was used to seeking. 

He found a strange tug at the back of his mind, not sure if this was really his memory or Tamiyo's, with his own image merely pasted over in his mind's desire for everything to make sense. He tried to push it out of his mind, but the unease wouldn't quite leave. At least he was capable of compartmenting his mind so she didn't need to feel his confusion.

She took longer to view the offered memory, savoring the texture of the tofu and the tacky noodles. It was served with a hot alcohol of some sort, tasting much of rice and warming her stomach with each small cupful.

When she finished she smirked and said," I thought you said you don't drink much. You sure felt a little… happy that night."

His hand stopped halfway as he had been reaching for his wine, and he embarrassedly said," I try to limit myself." He had a pretty high tolerance, but also a high tendency towards impulsive and stupid acts once he trampled past his limit.

"That was Regatha, right," he changed the subject, perhaps less smoothly than desired.

"Yeah, one of my first nights back after a crazy scenario that had me and Gids stuck on another plane."

Well, that perked interest. "How did you and Gideon meet?"

"Would it suffice to say on just about as good of terms as _we_ did?"

Jace grimaced. "That well, huh," he dryly muttered. He wondered if there was a reason planeswalkers often met on rocky ground. Silently, he continued to drink his wine, mind wandering.

"What's up? You seem confused about something. Do I really have to go into the long story of how Gids and I know each other? 'Cause it's really not much fun."

"Huh? No, if you don't want to, that's fine. Just, um, did you notice… anything weird about my memory?"

"That's a wierd _question_ to ask," she began, but then her mouth closed and twisted as she thought back. "I guess, maybe one thing. It felt like you had twintails, you know, braids or something against your chest. I never took you for the long hair type of guy."

" _Ears_ ," he whispered loudly, in the same tone he might use if he solved a difficult puzzle.

"What?" Chandra was understandably confused.

"I- uh, well—"

"Spit it out," Chandra prompted.

"I might have mixed up some of my recently assimilated memories," he admitted, rubbing at his face anxiously. "Sorry. That might of been Tamiyo's memory." Well, he knew it was at least partially his. It was more likely that it was a melded memory, taking elements from both their experience.

She didn't quite understand, but she could tell it bothered Jace. "Do you often, um, mess up your mind? Oh, that sounded bad. I meant, like, get someone else's mixed up with yours? Does that sound better? I don't even know."

Jace chuckled humorously. "No, it takes a special amount of… integrating our minds for such spectacular ' _mess ups_ '." He caught Chandra's question before she could ask. "And no, I don't think you, Nissa, and myself achieved that. We didn't share every memory and thought we ever conceived."

"But it happened before?"

Jace's cheeks grew warm with shame, and he had to blink away tears before they could become noticeable. He altered the initial illusion to compensate so he could look her in the eyes. "Yeah."

He tried not to think of him, but with Gideon training him in blades like Kallist once had, Jace couldn't help but think of him weekly, if not daily. 

"Would you, um," Jace had to clear his throat. He was being rash, but he suddenly had an impulse he couldn't let go of. _Shouldn't_ let go of. "Would you mind if I showed you one more memory? This one's definitely mine."

Chandra quirked an eyebrow and responded," Of course not."

She was surprised as she felt a wooden sword in her hand and swift crack of pain against her calf, and even more surprised by the bubbling laughter trying to fight it's way out of her throat. She was sparring with a man that looked strikingly similar to Jace, and it was fun. Between the banter and trying to prove one's skill, it was a _lot_ of fun.

The other was clearly a better swordsman, but Jace was having a grand time staving off the skilled lunges and strikes and he even got a few hits in himself when the other purposefully dropped his guard…

Catching her breath as the memory passed, Chandra looked to Jace with shocked, curious eyes. That was the most emotionally charged memory he'd shared with her yet. It made sense with how much more recent it was, as well as how damaged the older memories were, but—

"Did he know you were in love with him?"

Jace's eyes widened, then he looked away and tried to play off his surprise with a strained smile. "No," he answered, his throat tight. "People rarely do." Kallist, Emmara… Jace's eyes were locked on his wine as he took a larger drink than probably necessary.

"That was… It was beautiful. Who was he?"

"Kallist," Jace answered, thwarting his tongue that wanted to be tied. "His name was Kallist, and he was my best fr—We were business partners. Brains, brawns, normal set up, what have you, but he was the most loyal friend a man could have ever asked for." His words were tripping one over the next as he tried to explain.

"I… haven't talked about him for a long time," Jace admitted," This is really hard."

"That's okay, you don't have to push yourself or nothing," Chandra reassured, knowing her fair share about it being hard to talk about people from one's past. It was clear as day from how he spoke, that this Kallist guy had passed, and it had hit Jace really hard. She leaned forward and placed a hand reassuringly over his. 

"I—" Jace shook his head. "Maybe I wasn't ready, I don't know." The hand over his squeezed, and he appreciatively turned his hand so he could squeeze back. "He's been on my mind a lot," Jace whispered. Liliana being around, Gideon and him sparring—there was just so much to remind him.

"We don't always get to choose when we deal with our past," Chandra sympathetically said," But you seem like a baby steps kind of guy. This is good for you." 

His expression flattened and he pursed his lips. Pulling his hand back so he could raise his hood, he mumbled," Maybe."

She had told Gideon _everything_ , and at length, the night before the Fire, but Jace seemed more like the friend that needed to open up slowly, revealing cryptic pieces of his past over a decade, and maybe you'd finally have the whole picture. He definitely was a guy who needed gentle pushes, and while Chandra wasn't very good at being gentle exactly, she liked to believe she was a supportive friend. 

She'd make him face his past and heal someday. She was determined to help him.


	4. Chapter 4

Jace stumbled as he tried to make it further down the hall. If he could just make it down a little more, he'd reach his private library. He could hide and recoup in there. No one would have to know—

He heard the sound of heavy footsteps.

Panic only multiplying, Jace quickly threw up an illusion, standing in the middle of the hall, and covered his true form. He warded himself, letting no sound of his ragged breaths through. He didn't want anyone to see him like this.

Nothing had been going on today, he'd just been walking down the hall, and then the weight of everything had hit him at once. All the mistakes he'd made, the foes that still wandered the multiverse looking for him, the fear that he was getting too many planeswalkers in one place and endangering them with his presence… There was no formal list as a myriad of crises hit his brain at once and spiked his heart rate.

"Jace," Gideon called warmly.

It took the mage just slightly too long to make his illusion act along and raise a greeting hand and return the call.

"The others were thinking of making dinner together tonight. With some of their skill at cooking, I fear it might be our greatest threat to the multiverse yet, but at least we'll face it together. You in?"

The attempted humor went over Jace's head, and all he could think of was that Gideon was saying there was a threat. Fear churned in Jace's stomach as he acknowledged he wasn't ready for any kind of enemy strike. Not like this. He was vulnerable and only getting more so as his breathing got shorter to the point he was getting dizzy.

Gideon expected an answer one way or the other. A wry acceptance or disinterested rejection would have made equal sense to him. He didn't expect Jace to just unblinkingly stare at him like he was waiting for a command. Hesitantly, Gideon asked." Jace, is everything alright?"

"Yes, of course," the illusion was promptly made to reply. The real Jace sank to the ground, hand over his erratic heart. Gideon was going to find out, he panicked, he was going to know and ridicule him for his weakness. Even as he thought it, Jace recognized it made no sense. Gideon may be a pillar of unflappable strength, but he didn't resort to mockery of those who weren't. His rational thought wasn't winning out even as it offered proof from their time on Zendikar.

"So, then how does dinner with us all sound?"

"It sounds—I can't," the illusion fumbled.

"Jace, seriously, is something—"

The illusion crumbled before Gideon's concerned scrutiny. Illusions were fragile things, a will like Gideon's exerting itself to see the truth was too much for the pitiful concentration Jace could muster.

He looked around the hallway with apprehensive confusion, trying to scout the real Jace, but the charms and wards on his person held up even after the fall of the illusion. "Jace," he began, his brow drawing together with serious worry. "Are you here?"

He wasn't exactly surprised that he got no reply, but it did nothing to take away his unease. There was no reason to draw an illusion in an empty hall when no message had been attempted to be carried and so little had been holding it together. "Please, answer me. I can help."

The first shrieking gasp Gideon heard drew his gaze down to Jace, curled up on the floor, and he immediately knelt beside him. "What's wrong?"

"I d-don't," Jace took another shrieking breath that brought no oxygen to his lungs," D-don't kn-n-know… Don't look at me..." Tears prickled his eyes and threatened to spill. His vision was starting to melt, large dots of nothingness attacking his blurry vision of the hallway.

As Gideon's fingers graced his shoulder, Jace jumped. Gideon couldn't know it, but a horrible scar tore across that shoulder, beneath the heavy cloak. If he'd been more with it, he would have once again appreciated the privacy his cloak offered. Jace furtively looked over, humiliation coloring his cheeks, and he was only marginally relieved that Gideon was pointedly looking down the hall, away from Jace.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

Jace shakily shrugged. "Everything's fine," he lied, trying to put any kind of conviction into his words so that he may convince himself. He could fool himself no better than he could Gideon. His heaving chest ached, and he progressed from dizzy to light headed in a way that warned he might start losing consciousness.

"Jace," Gideon said his name again, his deep voice radiating calm. "Everything _is_ okay. You're safe."

That sure didn't sound true. If he were safe, his mind wouldn't be on high alert and he wouldn't be worried about suffocating himself into unconsciousness. He shook his head warily, his tremors evident. "N-no, c-clearly something's wr-wrong…"

"Focus on me. There's nothing to worry about."

Jace did his best to focus on the calm mind before him, existing gracefully free of the panic his own was spiraling out of control with. Being told there was nothing to worry about didn't fix anything, but he supposed Gideon confirming everything wasn't okay wasn't very helpful either. The meaningless reassurance was a distraction at the very least.

He reached his hand out towards Gideon, bailing half way and digging into the stone beneath him. The motion caught Gideon's peripheral and he looked back to Jace with a bowed head so he didn't make eye contact. Tentatively, Jace raised his hand palm up a small way, the hand embarrassing him further with how it quivered.

Gideon wordlessly took the hand and squeezed reassuringly.

It took a couple of minutes of calm silence between them for Jace to get back the control it took to stand. Gideon graciously helped him to his feet. He was afraid the other would ask more, but Jace found he had no fully formed reason for why he'd been so suddenly and fully incapacitated. He was so thankful as Gideon offered normalcy with conversation. Small talk. Things that didn't matter and weren't related to Jace nearly suffocating himself.

Was this normal? People staying and talking someone into safe thoughts? Jace kind of assumed it was normal to sequester oneself and so many alarms had gone off in his head that everything would be made worse if Gideon saw him—but this… This was something Jace could probably live with.

~~  
~~

"Why don't we practice bo staff today?"

Jace looked up with curiosity. He'd already been twirling the knife between his fingers to distract himself from thinking about last time. It was inevitable to think about Kallist, but he was reigning in the pain like he usually managed. Embarrassment colored his cheeks as he acknowledged the change in routine was directly because of his panic that ended practice early and probably at least encouraged by their meeting in the hall.

Gideon held the simple staff towards Jace, and accepted the blade he traded away. "Have you ever practiced with a staff before? While perhaps one of the simplest weapons—you can find sticks anywhere—it's one of the most handy tools out there. Nothing gives you distance and control like a staff, and it doesn't need to be maintained nearly as much as a sword or ax."

Putting away the knife, Gideon grabbed his own bo staff. He made a few figure eights and passed it to his other hand behind his back in a beautiful twirl. "There are a lot of flashy moves, but we'll start with the basics."

They spent close to an hour just going over basic stances and strikes without realizing how much time passed, and they only realized how much time had passed when they stopped for a water break.

"You don't seem to have broken a sweat," Gideon noticed, wiping his own brow.

"Um," Jace panicked, trying to think of how he could explain without coming across totally gross. It was completely normal to him to raise an illusion for everyday use so he didn't have to worry about his appearance. Or stench. It was hard for him some days to get up the motivation to bathe, and if he was focused on a new puzzle or problem, he often simply forgot.

Uncertainly, he dropped the illusion, his brunet hair plastered to his face and more than a little shiny. It had been habit to raise an illusion as he found himself too dirty to hold meetings, even if he had nothing planned that day.

Gideon chuckled and said," I've lived on the streets and been a warrior all of my life. You don't need to hide a little grease."

He ruffled Jace's hair good naturedly, and Jace just about died on the inside. Now Gideon _knew_ exactly how disgusting he was, and Jace almost reflexively brought his illusion back up. Gideon didn't seem phased though, continuing with drinking his water like nothing had happened.

"So, how are you liking bo?"

The obviousness that Gideon was just avoiding blades and trying to find a new weapon to keep him engaged with training rubbed him the wrong way, but Jace just shrugged and said," It's alright. I like the balance the weapon has, especially how the weight is shifted between hands…"

The hesitation in Jace's voice, then overly precise praise caught Gidon's ear and he empathetically prompted," But…?"

Jace almost dismissed that train of thought, almost just hid back and didn't explain. He loved explanations, but not those regarding himself. He weighed who he was talking to though, and caved to what he knew Gideon would want. 

"I liked practicing with blades again," Jace admitted quietly. They'd touched on daggers, dirks, knives, long sword… just like Kallist had practiced with him.

"Then we'll pick them back up. We can learn bo staff some other time."

"They make me think of my friend," Jace said, having to clear his throat to continue to speak. He thought back to his and Chandra's conversation, but his throat felt even tighter now than it had then. "I can't…"

"Respect them by pushing yourself the best you can. Every time you pick up a knife or sword, you can revisit their memory and honor them."

That was easier said than done. Kallist's memory was so muddled with what he'd been involved with at the time, how he hurt him, and how ultimately he lead Kallist to his death. The mind shattering confusion and pain that had hit him when Kallist died and he was pulled back to his own body… He'd never been so upset to see his own hands or felt such a strong need to wrap them around his own throat.

His illusion wasn't up, he realized with dismay as he felt tears prickle in his eyes. He kept his eyes to the floor, but he knew it was pointless. Unlike himself, Gideon could read people well. Neither of them had anything on Lili, and perhaps Nissa, but Gideon hadn't taken the easy path of just reading minds his whole life like Jace had.

A warm hand came to rest on his upper arm, squeezing reassuringly. Jace looked up gratefully, his heart throbbing a little painfully. When Gideon looked at him like that, his eyes crinkling warmly and smile supportive, Jace melted. He knew he shouldn't let himself, but he couldn't help it. 

Looking back down awkwardly, Jace excused," I'm going to work on some paperwork for the rest of today. Tomorrow is busy too, but let's practice the day after." Good, promising future interaction, raised less flags. Then he could safely hide away without causing worry. He needed some time to think.

He could hide in his paperwork and ignore his problems.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a week, and Chandra was champing at the bit to get some exercise in. She was restless. The others wouldn't let her do _anything_. Okay, they wouldn't let her do anything super fun, which usually included moderate lifting, high energy gallivanting, or any of the things one was supposed to avoid after surgery. Their concern was nice and all, but white magic was truly useless if it couldn't handle the one good claim to fame it had in her eyes and heal the body to full working order.

Gideon was babying her, it was beyond obvious, but she was secretly relieved as she struggled to keep up with the pattern they'd been exchanging with the solid sticks about an arm's length in each hand. _Right, left, down, reverse, down, right, strike!_

With a twinge in her stomach, she winced and lighted her weapons into sparking blazes without meaning to. The cinders burst upon impact with Gideon's weapons and he had to look away as burning splinters flew through the air.

Chandra realized what she'd done and squealed a quick," Sorry!"

Wiping away the burning ash and cinders out of his hair and eyes, he thought of how this was the reason they were practicing with wooden weapons rather than metal. Even a dulled knife would slice through his skin like butter if it was super heated and he was unprepared. "It's fine," he assured her. He smeared soot across his face as he caught the last of the wood.

"Maybe we should take a break," he suggested, as he was finally able to open his eyes and took in how she gripped her side.

"No, no, no! I'm fine. You can't condemn me to more sitting around," she said jokingly, but with a firm bite that implied she would fight any argument.

He chuckled and hedged," Okay, okay, but we _are_ slowing down." He knew that he could not force the untamable will of Chandra Nalaar to take a break. There was no use trying; it'd probably result in her getting up to dangerous activities on her own.

"Fine," she grumbled with a long suffering sigh.

They got her new weapons and went back down the simple pattern, _left, right, left, right_... Their weapons collided just between them, and each strike reverberated down their forearms with the strength. While Chandra was disappointed they weren't studying something cool and flashy like the Kamigawa chained pointy thing she saw on the wall, this was turning out to be rather fun. It was kind of musical, their strikes making a steady beat, and he didn't expect her to sing.

Taking time and landing more steady hits with each blow, they had more of an opportunity to hold a conversation.

"I found out Nissa really likes music," Chandra said a little breathlessly, the slow pace still a little difficult for her in her current condition. "I think she would like this weapon. What did you call them again?"

"Escrima sticks," Gideon answered. "I first came across them on Kamigawa, but rumor has it they came from somewhere far away. Perhaps another plane."

"Maybe the plane your whippy-thing came from," Chandra suggested. She knew he'd given the name before, but she always forgot it later.

"Perhaps. I do not know what plane my sural is native to." His mentor had only known it was not native to Theros. Gideon would have liked to have known where and visit the plane someday. Maybe in the Gatewatch's travels they'd happen upon it.

"Well, I think Nissa would like the rhythm. You should practice them with her too."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. We're really working on her elemental powers right now. Maybe you'd like to get some pyromancy practice in next time."

Chandra's smile fell to a strained shadow of one. "Nah, I think I'll stick to practicing on Regatha." She was surprised he'd suggested it. Hadn't his mentor died at the hands of a pyromancer? 

She pulled away as she found herself too winded to continue. Yeah, taking it easy. That was supposed to be a thing she was doing. Hands on knees after dropping the sticks to the ground with a hollow echoing clatter, Chandra said," I thought you didn't much care for fire magic."

"I may have overstated my dislike for pyromancy when we first knew each other. We didn't exactly get off on the right foot," he said as he picked up her abandoned weapons. "And since I've gotten to know you better, you've changed my views. I hope you don't hate hieromancy as much as you did back on Regatha."

She righted herself and put her hands on her hips. "As a matter of fact, hieromancy is a dumb form of magic and people who use it are mean." Her facetious smile gave away that she didn't mean it, but Gideon still gave her a less than pleased look.

"Actually, it's not so bad, when used in little bits. It's just the huge orders that irk me. You know, the ones that assert their way of life on others," she said, realizing she was broaching a dangerous topic but finding herself unable to stop.

"I know your feelings about The Order."

The horror in his eyes at what she had done that night after she stepped into the Purifying Fire suddenly came to mind and she grimaced. "I—Sorry—We, um."

"It's in the past," Gideon said softly, his voice unusually deep.

"Yeah… I only did what I thought I had to, Gideon."

"I know. You told me as much."

Their light hearted sparring was suddenly entrenched in thick emotions. Chandra had none of her humor left, her chest aching as she dreaded how the talk would continue, and Gideon had grown solemn the second the first words out of her mouth weren't, _no, hieromancy is fine_.

"After Zendikar, I think multiverse could use a little more order, and after Innistrad, perhaps a little less. I guess every world needs to find for itself the right balance," he diplomatically said. Peoples of many tribes were hesitant to work together on Zendikar, and it was only their uniting that held the tide until the Gatewatch could win. The angels undying allegiance to the maddened archangels, and the clergy's eagerness to follow Avacyn's word to the letter was horrifying. He hadn't been there for it, but he had been there for the clean up, and he'd heard shivering tales of the Sinpurged.

"I guess it's still raw for me. I was still living with the after effects of The Order's meddling on Regatha up until Zendikar," Chandra mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck. 

"It shook me for a long time," Gideon confided. "I didn't know how I could have lent a hand in such destruction. But in time, I came to empathize with your point of view. I was an outsider looking in on a world I didn't know."

He turned his back to return the escrima sticks to their place on the wall, and perhaps to hide his expression as he continued. "I worried. About how we left things. I believe we came to know each other better on Diraden than I have anyone in a long time, and that perhaps I had been too harsh after Walbert's plot against you and your people."

"Isn't it crazy to think how close you can get to someone after just weeks?" Chandra's voice was quiet. "A planeswalker's life…"

"Is lonely," Gideon guessed as she trailed off.

"Yeah."

They were quiet for a moment, and then Chandra broke the silence with," This is really wonderful, what we've got. The Gatewatch. It's like a family that I haven't had in a long time." She loved Regatha, and she considered the monks there like family, but she couldn't be honest with them aside from Mother Luti.

"Thank you for coming and finding me," she added as she thought over the formation of the Gatewatch. "I know I really hurt you back then, and I was a bit… abrasive when you came with Jace to find me, but I'm really glad you guys did. I feel like I really belong here, like I'm doing more good than harm for once."

He turned back silently, his eyes crinkling with warmth despite all the hardship he'd seen. A friendly smile captured his whole face. Walking back to her and placing a large, callused hand on her shoulder, he said," I'm glad we all came together, too. The multiverse needs us, and I feel we could all use each other after the difficult lives we've led.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another note to keep things clear, this chapter starts during Looking Back's chapter 9, and ends after the conclusion of that story. Thank you for sticking with my series this long! We're just under halfway done with this story, I think, but there are certainly more stories on the way (as well as a lot more of Stitch in Time to be posted once it's further edited). I would love to hear what you think!

Gideon had thought nothing of it as Chandra asked where Jace was earlier that morning. Everyday that he thought about seeking out the mind mage for more training or to discuss new paths for the Gatewatch and iron out what they were doing, he felt… a resistance. A reluctance, more like, to pursue that thought.

Several times he had found himself dismissing training with "Jace doesn't like training everyday" despite not having met for over a week straight. He found himself remembering that he had no better plans for the Gatewatch and they were both better off brainstorming on their own until they came up with something worth sharing.

He had been evasive the week prior, and Gideon had attributed it to Jace's moods just getting the better of him. He'd tried once to offer help, to offer someone to talk to, but with a few short words, Jace had convinced him to let Jace be. Now it had been a week since anyone saw him.

Lavinia was on edge, having said he took a short leave of absence but that he was a day over his initial expected leave. She seemed about ready to storm the mansion, but she said she would have to prepare for that. Something about paperwork. She was probably also aware that she'd need a practiced team to search such a large building with so many wards and enchantments protecting hidden tunnels. Just because she didn't know their exact locations, didn't mean she wasn't well aware of their presence. Jace couldn't hide much from her.

Now Gideon was starting to think he should try looking for Jace. Chandra had risen a good point about how long it had been since anyone had seen him. He tried to focus on the impulse but it fizzled out of his reach and no thought of the mind mage lingered in his mind. Only the feeling that he was overlooking something important, but couldn't place it.

~~  
~~

Jace's head still hurt a little from her percussive maintenance, but it was easy to ignore as they hung out. He carefully wrapped up the tea set he'd brought. Today he'd shared his first encounter with a sphinx (a wondrous and headache inducing introduction that had him tripping over every word trying to sound half as elegant as the sphinx had) and she'd shared walking on freshly cooled lava. All packed up, they stood and began to walk home.

Another week down and Jace found himself wondering how he kept himself going. This was so intimate, and frankly terrifying, but thrilling at the same time. It didn't hurt that her smile came out more when they talked one on one. Not her arrogant one that came with fighting and competition, but the genuine happy and warm smile that matched her slow tepid heat as friendship radiated its warmth from her.

Now there was a pause in the warmth, and Jace looked to her inquisitively.

"Do you like me?" Chandra asked before they returned to his sanctum. They hadn't talked about anything like that, but it had pressed against her mind all day and she couldn't keep herself from asking.

With a smirk, Jace sardonically replied," No, I usually choose spend time and drink with people I don't like."

"I mean do you _like like _me," she said, looking away awkwardly.__

The ineloquent way of asking if he had affections for her went unnoticed as a knot formed in his throat and he looked at her warily. "I _told_ Liliana not to—"

"She told Nissa, I and guess it was worrying her."

Jace stepped back from Chandra who'd he been standing rather close to beforehand. "I—Well, I mean…"

"I'm sorry, I don't like you like that," Chandra mumbled panickedly as it became evident he really did have a big crush. One part of her was worried how confronting this would change everything, another suspicious if this had been his whole reason for him agreeing to hang out with her in the first place. She uncomfortably wondered if it was a motive for him exchanging their memories, though she remembered she'd initiated the trade proposition.

"No- No, I _know_ that. I wasn't going to ask you out or anything. I mean, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or whatever, and you clearly liked Nissa a-and—"

"Oh, um," she began, not wanting to crush him, but also knowing she wasn't really good at tiptoeing around feelings either. "That's good. I mean—I don't mean to come off rude!" She swore as she screwed her eyes shut. "Sorry, I just mean, yeah, I'm glad you didn't ask me out or anything—that might've been weird-I-hope-we-can-still-be-friends!"

Opening up one eye to peek at Jace's reaction, she pouted as saw a completely reactionless face; she could tell he'd raised an illusion and that meant he must not be okay. Raising a hand and patting his cheek, she couldn't help but giggle at his mask dissolving and the surprised expression behind it. "You want us to open with each other, but you're always hiding behind your illusions. I may not be able to see right through them, but I can see through you pretty well."

Diffidently stepping back out of her reach and looking down as he righted his clothes to take his direct attention off of her, he excused," I just didn't want to upset you. I'll be fine, so I figured there's no reason to worry you. I never thought anything would come of it, but rejection still hurts, you know?"

Chandra hugged an arm to herself, squeezing her upper arm lightly. Guilt gripped her stomach, but she knew there was no painless way out of this. At least it was in the open now.

"Well," he said, clearing his throat. "Nissa doesn't have to worry, you don't, we're just friends. Staying that way." He forced a small smile, but he knew it wasn't convincing and that he couldn't rely on an illusion that was.

"You need a hug," she decided aloud, reaching out her arms. Her elbows bent, and her hands retracted slightly as she hesitated and asked," Or would that be—"

"Don't," he interjected, but paused to make his request less urgent, wincing at how high-pitched his first word squeaked out. "Please don't say weird."

He extended his own arms with relaxed shoulders, hoping not to pressure anything. As she leaned in to hug him, he could feel anxiety boiling under her skin from inches away. Her embrace was so hot, and it left him chilled as she pulled away.

"I really am wishing you and Nissa the best," Jace said, and he meant it. 

"Thanks. Nothing's official or nothing, but I really like her—and, oh, I'm sorry. You probably don't want a long conversation about this, so uh, just thanks."

"I should get back. I have a lot of paperwork left for today yet," he excused, raising his hood as the best wall he could raise without certain criticism. She nodded and excused herself, saying she meant to go the market yet today. Parting ways in what he hoped was as stress free as possible, he kept himself together long enough to avoid attention.

He was so angry—at the unfortunate circumstance, at Liliana for toying with them in what he was sure was a jab at himself, for how affected he was, and how disappointment racked at his chest even though he should have been prepared. His eyes stung, growing hot, and he pulled his hood down further.


	7. Chapter 7

When Gideon came into the central library and saw Jace drinking, he thought nothing of it. He too liked a glass of wine with his meal and brandy seemed rather popular on Ravnica, and the bottle Jace had at the table was missing maybe two shots at the most. It was when he observed Jace trying to pour a new glass that Gideon's attention was truly grabbed, and then brought to notice the empty bottle rolling dangerously close to falling off the table.

Jace sat at the head of the table, but as massive as it was, Gideon could still easily take a seat next to him. Pulling a chair up, Gideon sat and greeted Jace. "How is your evening?"

Jace looked over to him, a mix of a troubled brow and a sloppy grin taking residence on his face. "Great," he answered after a bit of hesitation and realizing he hadn't answered yet. He was trying to put the cork back in the bottle, but he kept fumbling, splashing a little brandy here and there in the process.

"Let me," Gideon offered, holding out a hand. Taking the bottle, then shutting it and depositing it far to the side, he asked," Special occasion?"

Jace took a sip from his tumbler, grimacing afterwards at the sting down his throat. Setting the glass down a little harder than he intended, he looked his companion in the eye and asked," Why am I such a fuck up, Gideon?"

"Jace…" He didn't know how to object that Jace wasn't. With his slurred speech and ruffled hair, Gideon acknowledged he sure didn't look to be at his best. It wasn't normally a good sign when someone got so drunk by their lonesome. While not a mess, Jace perhaps needed some help… Gideon decided to attack the problem head on. "What's wrong?"

Jace shook his head, then stopped and held his head as he shook his head slower. He plucked the wording Gideon had thought in, it so far to the front of his mind, he couldn't help but overhear. "Everything. I'm a mess. I've—I have—I always have been. A mess. I just…" He turned his attention to his drink and swirled it a little. "I knew better. I should a'… known better. I thought I did."

Gideon placed a steadying hand on Jace as he began to lean heavily to one side. "It's okay friend, nothing is so far gone it can't be fixed. What should you have known better about?" That was perhaps the biggest lie he had ever told in his life. There was so much wrong beyond what words could even explain. They'd seen so much destruction and chaos among the planes, so many people they'd known no longer walked their respective worlds, but this was about whatever made Jace think he was a failure. Jace was the brightest man he knew, had put a lot into restoring balance and protecting many planes. He wasn't a failure.

"I knew better than to tangle with Liliana again." He struggled getting her name out, adding some extra L's. Jace chewed air, trying to clear the funny feeling in his mouth that wouldn't let him speak clearly. When that didn't work, he drank more, forgetting it was alcohol and almost choking. His lungs burning as he coughed, he found solace in the hand that was immediately at his back trying to comfort away the respiratory attack.

"She found out," Jace said, still gasping. "Out that found that I fell for Chandra. A-and told her! Told Nissa, an' I might'a messed everything up and I didn't mean to." He covered his eyes in frustration. "And she keeps playing with me, like, l-like I'm a toy on a string. Next, she'll probably find out that I like like _you_."

He looked at Gideon, eyes unfocusedly making out the surprise on the other's face. What he said clicking in his head, Jace swore loudly and let his head drop to the table. The dull thud hurt more than he realized it would and he groaned. 

Gideon pulled Jace up, making him sit back in his chair with ease. His hand easily covered Jace's entire shoulder and Jace looked down sourly. 

"Jace, we'll work everything out, okay?" Gideon ignored the big revelations in favor of assuring Jace. So much anxiety and discontent shouldn't be allowed to ripple off of one person when no one's life was in danger. Relationships were difficult, and people's feelings were beyond complicated to understand and effectively maneuver around, but they could work things out.

Their conversation wasn't sitting well with Gideon; he felt like something bad would happen, that it would spiral out of control. He was worried for Jace, even a little bit for himself. Gideon had never seen Jace like this. He'd seen enough friends and fellow warriors drunken and slurring in his life, but never a mage so strong that he could break minds with a moment's thought. He felt a cursory presence brush against his mind, and Gideon grimaced as he knew what Jace would find.

"You're scared of me," Jace accused. "Everyone always is. 'Cause I'm weird, a freak. I d-don't fit in, and people can just _tell_. I didn't ask to be like this." That was an awfully strong statement considering the first half of his life was wiped from his mind. Who was to say that he hadn't? "Or maybe I did—an' that would be just be one more strike. Against…" A wave of nausea rose through him, and he sluggishly grabbed at the sandwich on Gideon's plate. He needed food in him or he was going to vomit bile. "... me," he finished through a mouthful of food.

Gideon slid the plate closer, worried frown deepening. As he watched Jace reach for his brandy, Gideon stilled his hand and said soft but firmly," I think you've had enough."

"No, I haven't," Jace said.

"Right, of course not," Gideon agreed, letting the hand go free, and then feeling an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. His agreement didn't feel right, but he couldn't find a reason to back this feeling up. He looked to Jace, finding it odd that his eyes were glowing ever so softly, but didn't find the need to question it.

Drinking at his leisure, Jace began to regret his insistence. His cheeks felt funny, almost hollow or numb, and it was getting harder to swallow, leading to a few painful drinks.

"Jace, I think you should get some water in you," Gideon said seriously, his will to help his friends and his protective worry overpowering the weak charm Jace had placed. Taking in the glassiness of his eyes and how ill he looked, Gideon feared he was late. Alcohol continued hitting someone after they formally quit drinking.

"Maybe," Jace hedged, feeling warm enough to take off his cloak. He always wore it, and normally it would feel awkward to go without it, but he casually began to undo the buckles and pull out his arms of his vest and cloak ensemble. He tried, anyways. One arm stuck to his side and one sticking through the neck hole, and every other buckle undone was not what Jace had intended as he gave up, feeling like even more of a failure than he already had.

Eyes beginning to tear up, Jace let his hands flop to his side the best they could. "What's wrong with me?"

Gideon patiently responded," There's nothing wrong with you." He began to help Jace with his cloak as it became evident he couldn't get it on his own. It was going to be a long night, he knew. He couldn't leave Jace alone like this though. That would be dangerous and careless.

As he shrugged his cloak and vest off, Jace tried to get to his feet, staggering and sending the plate skittering away. Strong hands steadied him immediately, and Jace tried to pull away. "Le'go of me," he growled, almost falling back.

"Jace, don't be unreasonable. You're a smart man, you must realize you're passed reasonably drunk. Let me help you." 

Jace crumpled to his chair, his legs giving out and being well aware he could never pull himself free from Gideon's grasp. He didn't have to guess; he knew Gideon was adamant about helping him. "I'm going to be sick," Jace mumbled to himself, or maybe to Gideon, he wasn't really sure.

Rising to his feet slowly and dragging Jace up with him, Gideon began to escort Jace out of his library. Nowhere was good to be sick, but Gideon knew this would be the worst place in the mansion.

Jace was a wreck, unable to hold himself up and knees wobbling as his feet landed any which direction. He rambled Gideon's ear off, mostly personal things about Liliana that Gideon had no business knowing and tried to ignore. The mind mage was barely supporting his own weight, but with an arm around Gideon's shoulders and Gideon's hand on his hip, they managed to get to the kitchen.

He emptied his stomach's contents in a few painful heaves, thankful once again as Gideon rubbed his back. "I wish I wasn't a fool," Jace said between expelling the alcohol. "And I ne'er got crushes. Lili was bad enough, but why'd I have to like Chan—" His slurred complaint was interrupted by a very unpleasant cough. "Falling for Chandra was just stu-stu-dumb. I knew she d-d-didn't like, didn't want to—don't like me back. There was no doubt—and yet it hurt so much when she said she didn't like me like that."

"Love is difficult, and it doesn't matter how prepared you are, it's still painful to hear that," Gideon offered solemnly, still rubbing Jace's back.

"It would be easier if I just forgot," Jace mumbled, eyes beginning to glow.

"No," Gideon called out with concern. He could really hurt himself right now, couldn't he? He couldn't have the same control he did while sober, and he'd described the mind as a delicate thing before. " _Jace_ ," he said warningly, not know how he could actually make him stop. Relief bloomed in his chest as Jace's eyes dimmed quickly.

Looking at Gideon with confused wariness, he asked," What were we talking about?"

"That's not funny," Gideon said gravely.

"I'm not…—" Jace wasn't trying to be. He legitimately couldn't remember how he got here, what they'd been talking about, or how he'd gotten so drunk. Reaching out to Gideon's mind to clear up the mystery, he carelessly browsed the last while and cursed as he saw what he had erased. 

"No," he slurred," I didn't wanna know that the the f-first time…" He erased himself reading Gideon's mind, and then did so twice more, and leaned against his friend tiredly.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Jace groaned," I want to go to bed."

Gideon dutifully helped him get to his room, bringing a large bowl with them. Jace collapsed on top of his sheets, unconscious before his head even hit the pillow. Staying with his friend, Gideon patiently waited through the hours, making sure Jace was still breathing and not going to drown himself in his sleep. He only went through two bowls more of cleaning up after Jace in the first hour or two, and then it was rather quiet.

When the sun had come up, and Gideon was confident Jace had slept away potential alcohol poisoning, he finally left his post. He made sure to leave a glass of water for Jace at his night table and shut the blinds so they covered the shafts of light that began to peek into the room.

Tired from the hours of vigilance at Jace's side, Gideon trudged to his own room and fell asleep soundly.


	8. Chapter 8

Gideon woke to the sound of armor clanging softly down a hallway. Eyes snapping open, immediately on guard as years of conditioning had ingrained in him, Gideon was already almost out of his room and in pursuit of the perceived intruder by the time he realized it was just Lavinia.

She was heading for Jace's personal room, Gideon realized and he quickly followed her to stop her before she could wake up Jace. "Wait, Lavinia," he called, racing down the hall. "Please, don't wake up Jace yet."

She turned to him with an icy expression. "Holding up Guildmeet affairs is an offense in subsection—"

"I can wake him up," Gideon offered, knowing he'd be more merciful that the dutiful Azorius Arrester. "In an hour, and I can send him right to the Guildmeet."

"He had an appointment half an hour ago. I'll bring him now."

"He's sick. He needs the rest."

"Sick?"

"He drank a lot last night," Gideon explained, knowing Jace would probably kill him for telling Lavinia this, but also knowing Jace was probably still dead to the world and would not up to dealing with guild matters. "He's going to be too hungover to do his duties. I took care of him last night; he's in very rough shape."

"Then I should wake him and inform him how irresponsible that is and how much the guilds need him to be at his best," she said, clearly not impressed by the reason for Jace's tardiness. Her expression softened after a few moments and she nodded lightly. "Okay, I expect him in tomorrow though. The Rakdos and Selesnya are at each other's throat."

"Thank you," Gideon said on behalf of his friend that would surely appreciate having a day to recuperate.

She smiled slightly, though it could have been a trick of light, and said softly," See to it he rests up."

"Will do," Gideon promised. He started with grabbing a bowl of dry cereal and more water, and brought them to Jace's room. The other still slept, arm over his face to keep out the light that managed to creep in from the base of the curtains. Gideon left the second glass of water and food, and made sure the pail was in easy reach for Jace before turning to leave.

"Gideon," Jace croaked," Is that you?"

"I didn't mean to wake you," Gideon said apologetically. "I thought you might need some food."

Jace heaved at the thought of eating, luckily able to keep it together. "Am I hungover?" He sure _felt_ hungover, but he couldn't remember drinking. Actually, there were very large holes in his memory from yesterday—suspiciously large and jagged empty spots. Even more further back, each as glaringly gone as the first.

"You drank quite a bit. If you managed to not suffer a hangover, I may accuse you of godhood."

"I don't remember—" Jace was quite thankful as Gideon was on the ball and got a pail under him in time to protect his floor. The violent expulsion of bile racked his head and made it hurt even more. It felt like his brain was trying to hammer its way out of his skull. Propped on one arm and leaning over the side of his bed slightly, he looked up to Gideon trying to remember last night in any capacity.

"You erased some of your memories last night," Gideon revealed. As he saw that Jace's eyes begin to glow, he warned," You erased them again after reading my memories three times." Setting the pail down in easy reach, he frowned sympathetically as Jace cringed from the slight sound. His head had to be throbbing agonizingly.

Jace's lips pursed, knowing he had really better go over his mind when he was better to make sure he'd caused no permanent harm. Wary of seeing something he couldn't deal with, he decided he'd just try information seeking the old fashioned way. "What else happened?"

 _You admitted your feelings for me_ , was the first thing on Gideon's mind, and Jace loudly sputtered," _Wh-a-at?_ " So much for old fashioned.

Not having said anything aloud, Gideon squinted warily and echoed flatly," What?"

Jace put a hand to his forehead and groaned. He was usually a lot better at being discreet with his shocking lack of regard for other's privacy in their minds.

It only took Gideon a moment to catch on and he sat on the corner of Jace's bed embarrassedly, noticeably keeping some distance. Hopefully that wasn't enough for Jace to wipe more memories. He was worried for Jace's well-being, and that couldn't be good for his mind.

Jace tried to sit up fully, but his stomach roiled as he did so and his head protested. Laying back down, pressing his hands to his temples, Jace apologised," Sorry. I'm betting you took care of my drunk ass."

"Yes, and it wasn't exactly easy. I'm pretty sure you charmed me to agree with you at one point."

Jace thought blearily that charm could only mean magic. He'd never been particularly charming, and Gideon didn't seem particularly overjoyed when he thought about the admittance of the crush.

"Sorry for that too, I guess." He let out a sigh, feeling bad about how little he could bring himself to care right now, and how guilty he knew he should feel. 

What was wrong with him? Why did he destroy everyone's privacy and autonomy simply by existing? He knew that by being clumsy, he could easily destroy another's mind. What if his drunken self had tried a simple trick and crushed Gideon's mind? How would he have lived with himself?

He massaged his temples for a little bit more, then gave up and just covered his eyes. For someone so powerful and smart, he truly was the largest idiot he knew. His head throbbed more and he tried to pay attention as he realized Gideon was talking, but he couldn't focus. All he could focus on was how dry his mouth was and how his eyes hurt no matter what he did. He moaned and smacked his lips a few times, trying to encourage saliva to coat his dry throat.

Gideon stopped as he realized Jace was catching none of what he was saying and just sighed. Scooting down the bed so that he sat closer to Jace's waist, he hooked a hand under the other's shoulders and urged him to sit up right a little. As he got Jace to do so, he brought a glass in front of Jace and let him grab onto it, guiding it to his mouth. Today was going to be long too. It had been a long time since he helped someone this hungover.

Feeling marginally better with a few gulps of water, Jace began to fall back asleep. He couldn't help it as his eyelids drooped, and Gideon eased him back to resting. 

Gideon made a few more trips back and forth over the day, cleaning up after Jace and leaving more waters and juices behind each time. On one such exit from Jace's room, Gideon was surprised to find Nissa. 

She waited quietly, a look of slight disgust on her face deepening as he came out. Gideon momentarily wondered what was wrong with himself until he realized the bowl in his hands and how strongly it smelled. Sickness was just a fact of life, one he had dealt with a lot in his youth. It hadn't even phased him.

"Is Jace alright? I smelled—I noticed he's not come out of his room much," she said, barely a whisper.

"Uh, why don't we take care of this and _then_ talk?" he offered, nodding to the pail. The relief that came over Nissa was hurriedly covered with impassiveness, but he could tell he made the right decision.

Cleaning out the bowl and putting it back in rotation for when he visited Jace next, Gideon took them to his gym so he could work out a little stress. Nissa sat close by, curled up on herself and looking smaller than she usually did. She watched Gideon practicing at the speed bag, appreciating the rhythm. 

After keeping rhythm without any thought, he looked over to her and asked," What's on your mind?" She'd been ready to talk about Jace right away, but once offered a bit to wait, now she was closed up. He missed one beat and slapped the bag still, calling it good. 

"Is Jace okay?"

Gideon sighed, his long suffering attitude slipping a little, though to be fair to himself he'd been taking care of Jace for the last twelve hours now. "He will be," Gideon assured.

"This is about yesterday. I talked to Chandra, and she talked to him. It's my fault, isn't it." No question was in her doleful voice.

Gideon shook his head as he looked down to her. Taking a seat beside her and still dwarfing her small form, he said," You can't blame yourself for his actions. He's the one who saw fit to drain a bottle of brandy."

She looked to him with a wry smile and asked," Just brandy?"

Gideon made a note he would have to drink with the elf sometime, but continued with his supportive talk. "And it's a hard conversation to be had, but sometimes it's best to clear the air and get those problems in the air so they can be cleaned up."

Nissa nodded, but Gideon could still see a line of guilt across her brow. She stiffened as a large arm wrapped around her back, his hand curling around her thin shoulder. Fighting down the rise of panic and discomfort, she told herself he couldn't know and went with it. It didn't quell the uneasiness in her stomach, especially after how close she and Lili had gotten—

He pulled away quickly, asking," What's wrong?"

His kind voice couldn't overcome her pain, and she broke down. 

"Nissa…" He reached out, but kept his distance this time, realizing a hug may be less consoling than harmful.

"This is stupid," she cried out, wiping tears away from her pure green eyes. "It's been weeks. Why am I so…?" She couldn't finish her own question, too upset with the weakness she felt she was showing.

"Weeks since what?"

"Nothing," she bit out, then bit her tongue to keep herself from spilling anything.

He accepted her silence, knowing that there was little he could do to make her speak. "I'm here if you ever need to talk."

"Because you need one more person to take care of," she said through sniffles, trying to curb the tears quickly. "You should take care of yourself more."

He cocked his head curiously. "What do you mean?"

She shook her head as she pushed herself to her feet. Focusing on his problems was easier than focusing on hers. "It's just you never take a break helping others. Nature is my sanctuary, libraries are Jace's… You need somewhere—" She saw him gesture to the gym they currently inhabited. "Somewhere you don't use only for the sake of helping others." That was what all his training sessions were. He helped everyone, not just with weapon and combat practice, but he grounded them and offered support and care. 

Sure, Jace helped others in his library, searched for answers to their puzzles and occasionally talked to others while doing so. Sure, she had many conversations in her garden—legally it was Jace's, but even Lavinia had referred to it as hers at this point—and she had helped and been helped with distressing matters… but she used its silence to recuperate from the day just as often. She used its comforting familiarity to ease her problems away if just for a while.

Explaining that all to Gideon would take too many words that she didn't have the composure to deliver.

Able to smother the tears and brush them all away, only the red swolleness hinted that she'd been crying, Nissa readied to leave. "I'm going to practice my lute. Feel free to come by the garden if you could use someone to talk to." The words left out the full meaning, but it was clear without saying, _if you could use someone to talk to for your own help for a change_.

"Thank you, Nissa. I'll think about it. I should probably check on Jace though."

She offered a rueful smile and left, leaving Gideon confused and setting to doing the only thing he knew how to do. Helping.


	9. Chapter 9

Jace groaned at the defined pulses of pain in his head. This wasn't just a hangover, though he had a mighty one as it was. It felt like he'd waged war in his mind and lost. He supposed he probably had. His memories had been rifled through and many picked clean.

Some were just scratched up so he couldn't remember them, most of those radiated a calming warmth. Regarding the memories left in place, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. No surprising lack of people or events, no noteworthy abundance of the like either.

As his door creaked open, Jace rolled to his other side to escape the bright spears of light that came from the hallway. He may have let out a childish yelp of surprised pain as he did so. _If that embarrasses me, I could just erase the memory_ , Jace thought sardonically. 

"How are you feeling?" Gideon set down a new glass of juice, observing how most of his previous offerings were half drank and others spilled.

A broken whine came from the crumpled man. "I will never drink again."

Gideon laughed and said," Few men who've said that have kept their word."

Jace sat up and rubbed his face, sighing through his hands. He gave a small mutter of thanks as he accepted the juice handed to him. He began sipping it, knowing that it was his only hope to stop feeling so horrendous, the rich flavor being a bit much but offering valuable vitamins.

"Thank you. For all of this," Jace said softly, more put together than a simple utterance as he was able to process all Gideon had been doing for him. He couldn't speak louder than he had, his head spiking at even the light noise he was making himself. It set the bar for Gideon to speak at too, which was better than the boisterous laugh he hadn't fully contained before.

"Of course. You'd do the same for me."

Jace hoped that he would.

"About last night…"

Gideon interjected," You clearly didn't want to know then. I don't know how now would be any different."

Jace looked down at his juice as he began to blush, hoping the dark room would hide his cheeks somewhat. "Well, I mean about what I said. To you… About you…." There was no use hiding what he'd read. Gideon's mind had flooded with realization he'd done so.

"Ah…"

Jace felt the bed sag near his feet where Gideon sat. His stomach churned as he thought of what he should say next if Gideon said no more. Counting seconds as they passed agonizingly slowly, Jace was relieved at 148 seconds in as Gideon breathed in like he was preparing to say something.

It was a false alarm, and Jace found himself vaguely annoyed he'd stopped counting. Focusing on it had lessened his headache for a bit. Biting his lip tentatively, he took initiative and asked," So, uh, what do you think about it?"

"I'm sorry, Jace…" He hadn't want to have this conversation, especially with the cause of last night and how hard it hit him. "I've never thought of you that way."

"I kind of figured," Jace dismissed, but it didn't take care of the stabbing pain in his chest.

Gideon never gave himself time to though. He never gave himself the time to think about anyone. He'd had a few brief crushes over his life, but nothing he ever acted on enough to become anything substantial. Nissa's words echoed in his mind, and he acknowledge he'd never really stopped helping people long enough to explore what a relationship was like. "Maybe we could try it though."

Jace already had enough ethical dilemmas with overtly manipulating how people thought, he didn't need to pile on the emotional manipulation too. "No, I don't want to push something—"

"Just get some sleep. You still look like you're marching to some hell," Gideon said with a friendly pat to Jace's leg before getting to his feet. He would consider all of this more on his own time.


	10. Chapter 10

At six at night on a weekday, Jace didn't know he should be expecting company. He was just doing some miscellaneous filing to try and get ahead for tomorrow before he had a hearing between the Gruul and Simic. Holed away in his private library, Jace was content with the silence that only made way for shuffling papers and occasional scratching notes with his ink pen.

That silence was disrupted by a firm knock. He looked up curiously, sensing the firey mind of Chandra on the other side, clearly a little upset.

"Come in," he called, and he let out a yelp as the door burst open and slammed into the bookshelf behind it.

"Forget a timepiece today? I've been waiting for half an hour," she complained.

"Waiting? For…?"

"We—" Her eyes squinted and she continued incredulously," We drink together every week."

A guilty smile came to Jace's face and he cleared his throat trying to find a way to explain. "I, uh, recently lost a good deal of my memories. I guess I forgot about today's plans. Sorry." Lost was definitely not the correct word, but he hoped it would suffice. He didn't want to admit he'd carved out his own memories and destroyed them.

"What? Are… are you okay?" Her surprise was striking, and just as vibrant as the suspicion that followed. "What memories have you lost?"

"I don't know what's gone. That's part of the process of losing memory," he answered a little shortly.

"Well, do you remember our outings? You know, exchanging memories? I'm gonna' go with 'no' since you seem confused…" She had been talking with her hands and folded them awkwardly, starting to wring them slowly.

He winced and denied," Sharing memories doesn't really sound like me."

"But—we—You mean you lost all of those?" 

He tentatively nodded, his stomach churning like he knew he had something to feel guilty about. "It's hard to believe I'd give you my memories," he repeated, still not sold.

"You lost a toe to frostbite." Okay, they'd talked about that one. "And you used to drink tea in a, you called it a quiet place, a-and… Prime factoring…" Her face fell as he took to a guarded look. He didn't trust her, or at least was wary of how she had this information.

Stomping forth, she held strong eye contact with him and ordered," Let me show you. Take my memories."

"What—no!"

The way he flinched back at her approach stopped her dead in her tracks. They were at square one; he honestly didn't know her at all, did he? Tears welled in her eyes. "So you just cut me out, literally just cut out all your memories about me? Just because I said no? I thought we were such good friends! You said we still were! Do you remember anything about me?!"

The air between them was uncomfortable to be sure, but now it was physically stifling and hard to breathe as her hair began to pick up in flames. Jace wiped some sweat from his brow as he tried to come up with some kind of reply.

"I, uh," he floundered. He tried to recall things about Chandra, but he found he really only knew about her as a background character in his life. From the memories he had left, he never really talked with her one on one, well not as "such good friends".

"What about my appendesectomy?"

With a quirked eyebrow, he curiously corrected," Appendectomy?"

"Whatever," she dismissed.

"Why would I be there for—"

"You're the one who did it," she yelled.

The realization he had no real memory of her was crushing. He'd been her best friend on this stupid plane. Her eyes got itchy and she rubbed at them, hoping to prevent any free tears.

"I'm sorry," he offered meekly, not knowing what to do as she seemed ready to cry. "I'm sure I had a reason. I—I can't remember why." He pinched the bridge of his nose, the same old spiral of wondering why he made the choices he did hitting him.

"Ugh, I feel bad even yelling at you for being an asshole because you don't even remember doing it!"

He sat back in his chair, pulling on his cloak nervously so he sank into it better. A flare of irritation lashed from her mind. 

"You need to stop doing that thing you do, the thing—! Where…" she broke off realizing he wasn't going to understand the joke that had become something they shared. He was gone. For all intents and purposes, she'd lost her friend, Jace Beleren. He existed physically, but she meant nothing to him anymore. They shared nothing despite the months they'd forged their friendship over.

Her voice breaking, she urged out a shaky "sorry" and left quickly.

"Dammit, Beleren," he sighed to himself, running a hand through his hair and staring at the paperwork before him, the words just meaningless squiggles before his distracted mind.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who's stuck with this story! I would love to here what you guys think of this series :)

Strong, thin hands gripped Jace's upper arms, keeping him in place as a sturdy, feminine voice urged," Wake up, Jace."

Jolting awake, aware of the cold sweat and shakiness that usually only accompanied his greatest nightmares, he frantically asked," Emmara?"

After actually opening his eyes all the way and seeing the silky green eyes before him that accompanied the long ears he'd barely made out initially, Jace embarrassedly corrected himself," Nissa."

She let go and rubbed her palms over her pants, not relishing how they were slick with his sweat. "You were having a nightmare. You almost hit me in your throes, thus the restraint. I hope I didn't frighten you."

"N-no. How did you know I was having a nightmare?" He pulled the blanket around his nude body closer, praying to any higher force that would listen that Nissa hadn't seen anything more than his chest and up. He had resorted to nudity after running out of clean clothes, all of his sleepwear as well as normal clothes too grimey. He really needed to do laundry tomorrow, though the ever present Gatewatch made that task more difficult with circumstances as they were.

"I began to have a nightmare, but I came to realize I was you," she answered calmly. Nissa sat on the edge of his bed. Her ears drooped embarrassedly as she continued. "I was you in the nightmare, and when I woke from the pain, I heard you… cry out."

He blearily sat up, clutching the blanket for dear life, and asked," From the roof?"

Nissa's ears quivered, remembering the desperate pleas for mercy and how they got louder and more tormented as she approached. She'd debated whether to come to Jace, but the echo of the dream's misery and pain had spurred her. Instead of answering, Nissa averted her eyes, trying not to stare at the scars he bore that she now had an intimate but imprecise knowledge as to how they felt being received.

That was all the answer he needed. He chewed his lip sheepishly, realizing the implication that he'd accidentally shared his dream, his nightmare, with her in his sleep. Had it been so accidental though, he wondered. He distinctly recalled desperately calling out for any who'd listen, asking for someone to come to his aid.

Jace wasn't used to this problem. He always tried to sleep alone, distanced from others, the few times in his life when he sought the opposite, being close to the other and using them almost as a ward against such types of dreams. He'd spent much of his time on Ravnica and other planes peacefully alone at night, free to ache from his disturbed dreams without interference. It continuously confused him that others wanted to be part of his pain and try to come to his aid. He was used to sitting it out alone, and now he constantly was being found out by others.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," he apologized because he felt he should, but not really feeling up to caring that she too had experienced what he did weekly. "Do you remember any of the dream?"

"No."

His cursory glance in her mind told him she was lying, but she was doing it for his own comfort, and he was grateful for the attempt. "Me neither," he also lied, them both accepting each other's deceit respectfully.

Nissa didn't even bother holding up the facade though and asked," Do they still hurt?" Her gaze was hard to place sometimes, especially in the darkness his room shrouded them with, but her intent was clear as her eyes came to rest on the spiking scar that ripped through his shoulder.

"They itch sometimes. When they snag thin material or stretch at joints," he answered quietly, weaving his hands nervously and keeping his attention on them. "When I expend a lot of mana, sometimes they burn. I hate them."

Where some had just pushed his shoulder so they could see better, Nissa instead kept her hands to herself and demurely asked," May I see?"

Stomach in his throat, Jace couldn't find an answer willing to leave his mouth. Too quietly, he slowly laid down on his stomach and brought the blanket down to his bony hips. He didn't know why he was obliging her curiosity. Revealing his scars made him feel sick.

"Are your hands cold? Sometimes that helps," he whispered, his neck craned so his cheek was to his pillow. They didn't hurt anymore, but the idea of them ached. Small hands with long fingers tentatively pressed to his back. They were chilled from the night, but no, they were too warm. 

A finger lazily traced a scar and she commented softly," They're like thick roots, breaking through the surface."

He squeezed his eyes shut and said," No. Don't try to make something beautiful out of them."

"Sorry, I won't," she backed off. Still, she ran her calloused fingers over his back, and he didn't hold it against her. Burns that hadn't been present in his dream marred his skin, on his back, arms, and presumably elsewhere. Nissa found her heart aching. What had he been through?

"I hope I never see him again," Jace said.

"The man? The man with the blade?"

"But I know we will. He's the kind of planeswalker who sees the multiverse as his stomping grounds, a place to exploit freely." He couldn't believe that anything would stop such a man as Tezzeret, not even death.

"We'll all be beside you when you do," she assured him.

That was something he was afraid of; Liliana's loyalties were never clear.

No longer wishing to dwell on the likely future of conflicted loyalties that always seemed to attack him in particular, Jace switched topics to a trust he had recently broken. "Is Chandra okay?" 

"Hm?"

"I think I made her cry," he admitted, sure that the pyromancer would kick his teeth in if she heard him say so.

"You did."

He didn't know how he expected her to respond, but he had really been hoping not to be affirmed. "I'm such an idiot. I don't even know why I would purge so many memories of, apparently, a good friend."

"It probably had to do with her confronting you about your feelings for her… and being rejected," she said meekly. "I'm sorry about that. I should have just trusted you."

"I had a crush on her? Wait, why are you apologizing?"

"I tried to ignore it, but what Lili said finally got to me, and I confided in Chandra my worries, which lead to her talking to you about it."

A pang gripped his heart. It was foolish to think so, but he always thought of Lili as his nickname for her despite it being so common. He tried to not think about it, but a ridiculous jealousy ate at him as he thought of Nissa calling Lili such.

"She likes you; I liked her. I can see where it would have made for an awkward conversation, but still…" He couldn't wrap his head around it. He'd been intoxicated when he'd decided to play surgeon with his memories, but what could have been so bad that he decided to do so?

"She's pretty torn up. You were kind of her best friend on this plane," Nissa said, accidently rubbing salt in the wound. She hoped he would do the right thing. Reconnect with Chandra. Her girlfriend was so lonely right now, lonely in a way a partner couldn't fix.

Jace rolled to his side so he could see Nissa, pulling his blanket back up to offer modesty. He missed her cold hands instantly as he did so. "I don't know how I can fix such a royal mess as I've made. I destroyed my own memories, caused a friend that I barely remember anymore great sorrow, and even if I could reclaim some of the memories through her eyes… The damage has been done. I shattered her trust."

"You showed how little trust you have in us," Nissa countered. "Erasing your memories showed you didn't think you could mend trodden relationships with us. Friendships take two parties trusting each other. You need to trust the other won't hurt you."

He scoffed at this. Bitterly, he retorted," I don't think I could ever have that kind of trust again."

Nissa's brow lifted dolefully. "Your physical wounds can't approach the pain of your heart, can they?"

He covered his head with the blanket, which while embarrassing, wasn't as embarrassing as the blush that broke out spanning ear to ear. Who was she to make such personal assumptions about him?

"I'm sorry. I've overstepped my boundaries again, I see."

He peeked out from under his blanket, transfixed by her almond shaped eyes that stared intently at him. Her voice was as calm and firm as her eyes as she asked," Do you want to erase my memory?"

"What?" he sputtered," No!"

"I could tell everyone about this," she drawled, with a provocative look to his shoulder. "Your nightmare, your pain, your scars."

"I know, but you won't," he said, almost pleading.

"You _trust_ that I won't."

He sighed, relaxing his hold on the blanket and letting it lower to his neck as he spoke. "I _guess_ , if that's how you want to phrase it."

She hesitantly laid a hand on his shoulder like she'd seen Gideon do, observing how he seemed to take solace in it. "Please keep that trust. Let it grow. Rebuild it, hold onto it and don't let go, and treasure it. People will break your trust, but you can't let that stop you." Her unshakable trust in Zendikar's spirit had start on rough ground, it was only once she let herself fully trust its spirit that Ashaya had been able to answer her call, that she had been able to rely on Zendikar and not feel so lonely anymore.

"If I remember this conversation, I will," he said cynically. Wincing at his own venom, he added more softly," I'll try to."

"We all falter," she offered, an apologetic look capturing her brow. It was her lack of trust in Jace that had started all of this. 

Getting to her feet, satisfied with having ended his nightmare, she looked back to him meekly. "I've missed Zendikar—my connection. If you ever wanted to connect our minds again…" Her offer read as more of a request in her mind.

" _Sure_ ," he said in her thoughts.

She tentatively thought back, working out the connection and fumbling until her confidence took root. She'd never had the time to think about how it worked, just running off of instincts during battle and in response to his unexpected line of questioning about Sorin. " _Like this?_ "

He smiled back as an answer, and she returned the smile before leaving.


	12. Chapter 12

Jace and Gideon were sparring hand to hand, Gideon going very easy on him—not striking as much as just aggressively blocking. Jace actually managed to land a jab to Gideon's face to his surprise, but a sickening crunch came of it and Gideon's jaw barely gave way. 

Crying out in pained surprise, Jace's eyes poured forth light and his connection to mana was pulled into action. In the instant flash of pain, Jace reacted without thinking and put Gideon to sleep, who only was able to fall to such a hastily cast spell because of his trust in Jace. 

He fell forwards, baring down on Jace, and the mind mage found himself crushed and pinned under a man twice his size, unable to nurse his throbbing hand, and wondering how it was he got himself into these situations.

"Gideon," he huffed, the other's elbow set against his abdomen and making breathing hard. 

"Wake up." Jace pushed against the other the best he could with one hand and no leverage, but found himself unable to make even slight headway. Breathing was really getting difficult, and Jace resigned that he was in over his head. He couldn't handle digging in one's mind as distracted by suffocating as he was, but he was fairly certain telepathy was still on the table.

" _This is embarrassing_ ," he thought aloud," _But I don't suppose anyone could make their way to the gym._ " 

Nissa and Chandra showed up quickly, and Jace was thankful they only laughed a little at his predicament. Nissa was able to lift Gideon up easily, letting Chandra pull Jace to freedom, and set him back in a little more comfortable of a position.

"Going at it hard, I see," Chandra said, smirking and restraining giggles poorly.

"I broke my hand, and I guess my reaction was to put him to sleep," Jace grumbled as he sat up, holding his hand close to his chest.

Chandra's simpering attitude was gone instantly as she knelt down and looked at his hand with worry. "Oh no, you should get that checked out."

"I was planning on it," Jace deadpanned. His cheeks burned, and Chandra's close attention wasn't helping. Her concern seemed so personal, but he didn't have any reference for how it came to be, only the knowledge that they had spent a lot of time getting to know one another.

Nissa looked between Jace's withdrawn pout and Chandra's oblivious concern and came up behind Chandra to lay a hand on her shoulder. Chandra looked up to her curiously and stood up beside her, not understanding but accepting her judgement. Nissa was familiar with people being too close and not catching hints that they wanted more space.

Looking down to Jace and offering a hand up, Nissa asked," Can you wake him, or does he need to sleep this off?"

Jace took the hand and immediately stepped back a bit to give himself more room. "I could wake him up, but that would just be needlessly invading his privacy. He should only stay under for half an hour or so, anyways."

Chandra raised an eyebrow and asked," Only half an hour?"

"Probably. He wasn't, um, a willing target."

"Well, someone should stay with him to explain it when he wakes up, but you should get yourself to a healer," Nissa said, eyeing the hand that was bruising and swelling at an alarming rate.

"And it wouldn't be the worst idea for the Guildpact to be attended while he's injured," Chandra pointed out.

Jace nodded, not sure how he'd say he rather go with Nissa without being rude. It wasn't that he didn't like Chandra, but he always felt awkward the second it became one on one, feeling that he should have been completely comfortable but not knowing how to start, what to say, or how to apologize.

He exchanged and glance with Nissa, quickly looking back down. Nissa caught on like he'd hoped and volunteered," I can see to it you get there safely."

"Actually, I was kind of hoping to go with Jace," Chandra announced, unapologetically loud and insistent with her decision.

He winced as he looked up, but shrugged and mumbled," It doesn't matter who." It mattered, but he couldn't bring himself to say it and further hurt her feelings.

~~  
~~

They were a ways into the city, a nice ward to keep people from paying them much mind and finding out the Living Guildpact was injured, before one of them finally spoke. Neither of them were surprised that it was Chandra to break the silence. "You've been avoiding me," she said simply.

"No I haven't."

"Jace. This is, like, the second time you've hardcore avoided me. I know what I'm talking about."

Ugh, she was using his destroyed memories against him. A little piqued, he snipped," If we were such good friends, then why did I avoid you?"

"Because you're really good at saying something and regretting it, then closing up."

Okay, he had to admit that sounded like him. He rubbed the back of his neck with his good hand. What had he shared, he wondered, that had been bad enough to stop talking to her? Not for the first time, he cursed at himself for deciding to erase his own memories. Next time, he'd have to make sure he at least carried the sentiment over that had caused him to do it so that he didn't feel like such a dunce later.

Biting his lip, Jace finally sighed and admitted," I wish I could undo it. I had a little hope at first. I was so drunk when I did it, that I wasn't as thorough as I typically am, but all I managed to salvage were the edges of other memories that I accidently scrapped in the endeavor."

She looked to him unimpressed. He'd been so desperate to get rid of her that he'd done it while drunk at the expense of the other parts of his mind? 

That wasn't enough, he had to forge on into the heart of the issue. "I know this has been hard for you, and you're right. I have been avoiding you. I feel really guilty when I see you and remember how much I've hurt you, but it's also uncomfortable to realize how much you know about me, when from my perspective, we've had maybe five one on one conversations, tops."

She snorted and said," Well I'm not giving up _my_ memories."

Grinning, he assured her," That wasn't what I had in mind." He pulled at a hem of his cloak as he continued," Today's the day, isn't it? That we would get a drink together." She'd mentioned that they had outings weekly, and it had been a week since she barged into his library.

She stopped walking and put a hand on her hip. "Yeah…"

He suddenly felt a lot more pressure as he stopped and turned to her. Her complete, undivided attention was on him, and he hoped he didn't just make her more mad. "Why don't we get a drink together and exchange memories after taking care of my hand, then?" The hesitation in his voice almost caused him to fumble his words a few times, but he managed to make it through without too many stops. 

She frowned, but after a few moments closed her eyes and smirked. "Sure, why not?" Opening one eye and maintaining a wink, she said," But you're buying, and I expect something delicious."

"I can't remember what you like," he pointed out.

"Not too sweet, not too dry, but with a strong kick."

Well, that gave him quite a bit to chose from. He nodded in acknowledgement, then pointed out the path he wanted to go down. They were noticeably leaving the urban streets and heading down a brambly stretch that lead to greener land. He had been here just a week earlier, and he felt a little bad that recently all of his visits were because he found himself injured again. His shoulder seemed to tingle as he thought about it, but he dismissed it as he saw his friend come into sight and gave her a big, sheepish smile.

Chandra was surprised as a tall, proud elf rounded a corner up ahead, milky eyes trained right on them and silky voice asking," What did you get yourself into this time, Jace?"

"This is Emmara Tandris of the Selesnya Conclave," Jace introduced. "Chandra Nalaar, guildless."

"Nice to meet you," Chandra stuttered out, feeling like she was bumbling before royalty. 

With a noble bow of her head, Emmara returned," And you." She then glanced to Jace wryly, commenting discreetly," _With all that soot about her, she smells like Izzet._

Jace smirked and replied," _Careful how you speak. We're apparently quite good friends._ "

That earned him a curious glance.

"I broke my hand," he explained aloud, holding out the throbbing mess. "On someone's face."

"For once you bring me something simple," she joked, coming close and clasping his hand gently as pure light wrapped their hands, so bright the humans had to look away. "I hope they deserved it."

"We were sparring, just practice, but his jaw is marble apparently."

Chandra broke in with an enthusiastic," Yeah, Gids is totally buff, sculpted like a…really buff guy." She'd almost slipped and mentioned off world art.

Amused, Emmara asked," And how is 'Gids' faring?" 

"He's probably still asleep."

"Ooh, so you're a heavy hitter now?"

Jace blushed and admitted," I charmed him reflexively." He internally groaned as he knew Chandra would just have to elaborate.

"Yeah, and he fell over and pinned Jace in his sleep," Chandra shared through giggles.

"Thank you," he bit out, looking to Chandra with a little ire.

Emmara finished her spell, having gone slowly to reduce the pain, and let go of Jace's hand. "That should be as good as new."

"Thanks, Emmara. Sorry to ask you with no notice."

She shrugged, and even that was elegant, and said," No worries, I'm just watching over saprolings with some of the beginning summoners. I could use the little break—though, I must be getting back."

Jace flexed his newly fixed hand, grimacing lightly at the the tenderness as the taught muscles worked. "I appreciate it. We should catch up sometime."

"Of course, if you ever make it out here for something other than being a patient."

That was a fair criticism, Jace thought, his cheeks reddening.

Emmara smiled a knowing smile and turned to Chandra. "And your friend—where did you say you were from again?"

Jace sent Chandra the sharpest glare she'd ever seen, and Chandra nervously replied," A-around." The glare intensified. "You know, the third district—uh, precinct."

"Lovely area," Emmara commented," You can see New Prav quite well from there. Not enough greenery though."

Chandra nodded along, not actually sure she knew where New Prav was but hoping she seemed like she did.

"Right next to the Izzet League," she added with a twinkle in her eye, catching Jace's and exchanging a humorous glance.

Wait, Chandra was pretty sure she knew about them. Going out on a limb, Chandra said," Yeah, the constant construction can be a headache."

Emmara nodded understandingly, and Chandra felt a wave of relief. Hook, line, and sinker, she'd sold her fake story well.

"We'll let you get back to work," Jace said, anxious to leave. "Thanks, again."

Once Jace and Chandra were a fair ways back home, she elbowed Jace and asked," What was that for?"

"Ow! What?" He rubbed his arm sorely, grumbling that he only needed one injury in a day.

"Those daggers coming from your eyes."

"She can't know of our nature," Jace replied softly.

Chandra rolled her eyes. "I _know_ , Jace. You told all of us that _no one's_ supposed ta'."

He paused before replying. She seemed confident that they shared a lot, and he'd know tonight just how close they were. From his perspective, they were just teammates, but he wanted to fix that. Opening up to her, as terrifying and new as it seemed for him, was a good way towards that. With a nervous sigh, he revealed," She has known."

"Has?"

"At one time, but not anymore."

Chandra could sense no regret, only heavy disappointment. "You took her memories?"

"At her request." And it was one of the hardest things he could remember doing. The task was simple, just alter a few distinct memories, and suddenly he and Ral Zarek were just normal participants in the Implicit Maze. Suddenly he was hiding the core of his identity and promising he hid nothing. For her sake.

He pulled his hood up, glad for the barrier it rose and thankful for how it obscured his face.

"Jace. C'mon. I can still see you pouting." She put her arm around his shoulders in perhaps too familiar of a gesture.

That, unsurprisingly, didn't lessen his pout.

"I know it's hard for us sometimes, but you've got it figured out here. You're really connected-like and that's pretty cool. She might not be able to handle knowing about us, but you two still seem to be pretty good friends." Chandra was trying to be encouraging, though didn't really know how she was doing.

"Friends. Yeah."

"I don't know what I can say that would help."

He tried to keep from squirming under her embrace. "Probably nothing. I don't want to think about it."

Remembering what came from insisting he should face what bothered him last time, Chandra almost let it be, but she wasn't really good at reeling back impulses. "Maybe that can be your sharing moment tonight. It could be good for you to actually open up and face what's bothering you. You stay so locked up," she said, rubbing his head and ruffling his hair through his hood.

He made a small distressed complaint and escaped her grip to start fixing his hair.

She laughed, and he found himself unable to hold back a smile. She didn't act oddly around him, didn't sidestep like she was afraid to step on the toes of a mind mage. She treated him like just a normal guy. While he had spent most of his time trying to build up distant respect between himself and those he encountered, it was refreshing not to be treated stiffly like a freak to be cautious with.

Had she been like this from the get go? Or was it a product of their time together? He thought to the few memories he could remember where he really interacted with her personally, but he didn't find an answer. Most of their interactions were rather hostile or neutral from what he could recall.

Remembering that they would be drinking together today as he thought about their supposed time together, he said," Ah, I should pick something up while we're in the market. Have I ever treated you to Golgari brandy?"

"Nope! What's it like?'

"It's a drink that has to be shared. You can't really describe it."

She wrinkled her nose and said," That doesn't sound good."

"You'll have a much firmer opinion of it one way or the other after you try it." Just like most Golgari cuisine, it was something that one either loved or hated, and there was no in between.

They didn't have to go far out of the way to pick it up, and after they did, they headed back, hoping to find a wakeful Gideon.


	13. Chapter 13

Nissa and Chandra had given them privacy as Jace returned, sensing his desire to apologize without an audience. They sat against the one free wall, backs to the hard surface and a little ways apart from each other. Gideon had strong coffee that Nissa had brewed for him, still feeling a little groggy after waking up from the short lived charm.

"I'm sorry, I should have blocked it, or at least taken more time to work on your punching technique," Gideon said as he found out Jace's hand had been broken. "We'll definitely go over proper form for the future."

Jace chuckled at this. Gideon was essentially apologizing for letting himself be hit. "No, really I should be apologizing. I didn't mean to put you to sleep."

"It's no big deal," Gideon assured Jace for the third time. "It's a good trick if you ever find yourself in a duel."

Jace thought wryly that it wasn't necessarily as simple as that. The few times he found himself at the mercy of melee combat, his spells had failed him.

Familiar with having his fair share of injuries healed with white magic, Gideon asked sympathetically," Does it still hurt?"

Looking to Gideon with a cheesy grin, he held out his hand and said," Kiss it better." His heart wasn't prepared for the skip that came when Gideon actually _did_.

He took Jace's hand gingerly, aware of how small it was in his warrior carved palm. It held great strength, but in another way. Now it held pain that Gideon hoped to alleviate. He pressed his warm, chapped lips to it gently, feeling the knuckles tighten ever so slightly.

Jace's heart hammered in his chest as Gideon lingered. As he pulled back slowly, still cupping Jace's hand, he looked to see how his gesture was received, a slight worry outlining his features. His eyes were warm, concern bringing out the soft amber light in his deep brown eyes.

Did Gideon actually like him? Was he just obliging him because he felt he had to or because he felt bad for lending to his injury?

Jace retracted his hand quickly, in hesitating and halting indecision. Gideon had nothing to gain from this; they were already teammates working towards the same goal. People only used his attraction to them to further their causes and try and bring them to their side for their party's power. He was an asset to be coveted and seduced.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep—"

Jace was stumbling to his feet, his chest aching painfully, and Gideon only paused his apology to leap to his own feet and steady Jace before he fell. Now that he held him close, the fear and doubt was apparent in Jace's eyes, and Gideon let go once he knew Jace wouldn't fall. "I thought you wanted me to. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I—I _do_ , but…" Jace had donned his cloak before leaving for Emmara, and he was thankful for the shield it gave him as he drew it tight around himself. "I didn't think you'd actually go through with it. You can't." _love me_ , he finished in thoughts he couldn't fully admit to himself.

"Can't what?"

Jace looked to the ground, debating on raising an illusion and invisibility spell and just walking out of this situation. That would be the easiest way out. He was all about taking the easy path, though, wasn't he? Gideon deserved more than to be ditched and left to wonder. 

It was easier to think that he should say something than to actually go through with it, he miserably thought as looked up, wincing at the pained confusion in Gideon's face. He hadn't done anything wrong, but he was frantically searching for some misstep and felt guilty; Jace didn't even have to reach in his mind to tell. 

"Do you actually like me?" Jace asked in the smallest whisper he could muster, not really wanting to speak at all.

Gideon stepped back a little closer, not quite touching, but close enough to feel the mind mage's presence, the flustered heat that radiated from him. "I believe that I do. I want to explore these feelings with you."

"But I'm a mess," Jace protested. His voice was almost an angry whine as he continued," You don't need that. I wake people up with my nightmares and forget how to breathe."

"Jace," Gideon said with a gentle and grounding voice as he placed a hand on either shoulder. Jace's shoulders were tense beneath his hands and Gideon squeezed soothingly. "I know you, I've gotten to know you. We've fought for the fate of the Multiverse together, we train together, we eat together. You're no more a mess than myself." His hands slid down to Jace's arms, close to an embrace.

That didn't compute in Jace's head. He'd never found _Gideon_ in a hallway freaking out when there was nothing wrong. He never had to take care of a drunken Gideon who was destroying his own mind, or take care of him while he nursed a hangover the day after. He never… Apparently Jace was projecting his thoughts because Gideon's face became stone.

"Don't think of it like that," he murmured, sad concern gripping his brow and words.

Jace shook his head and hurriedly blurted," I have to go."

He rushed out of the gym with no more words of explanation. Gideon sighed, running a hand through his hair and staring at the floor, wondering where he went wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is rather small, but the next (and final) chapter should more than make up for that! I haven't been posting as regularly recently because I'm going through pretty rough times, and the stress is more than a little overwhelming. I'm trying to forge on and break through all the writer's block that's been hitting me. Hopefully I can finish this story soon. Stitch in Time should also be getting an update later this week!


	14. Chapter 14

"We made plans, like, twenty minutes ago, and you forgot the brandy," Chandra chided. "Like, I get it. Memory problems. But damn."

"I was, ah, distracted," he said keeping his eyes down. "We can head back and get it." They weren't far away, just a couple minute walk from a teleportal spot that lead back to his sanctum.

"Distracted," she echoed coyly.

He could only shrug, trying to cool his reaction of feeling she was being overly personal. "Do you want to head back?"

She shook her head with a carefree shrug. "Nah, the drinks were just kind of a—I think you called them a pretense."

"I still find it hard to believe you really talked me into weeks—"

"Months," she clarified.

"— _Months_ of meeting up and giving away memories," he said with a nervous chuckle. He was supposed to just jump into it today, he supposed. Just go head first and believe her that he wouldn't feel like his privacy was violated afterwards. He felt a momentary lash of—loneliness?—followed by a solemn understanding press in against his mind.

"Well, I mean, we traded. You said you wanted to get to know me better too." She frowned as she considered how he kept repeating over and over that this all didn't sound like something he'd do. Maybe conditions had been _just_ right, and now they were not and the idea of this all was unsettling. "You know, we don't have to do this, if you don't want to. I know I can be pretty demanding and rash, but I don't want to force you to do this if it's, I don't know, scary?"

She hit the nail on the head. He usually didn't hesitate to reach in other's heads, in fact, some may accuse him of being too ready, but he didn't know how to feel about what he might find. Even if he found all she had said was true, he would have the same emotions attached to the moments as she did, they wouldn't mean the same thing to him as they had before. What made sense to him in one frame of thought, might boggle him now, and then he would have to deal with explaining to her that he didn't want to continue, or worse yet, continue on in begrudging, unsettled silence.

"No, it's fine," he dismissed, steeling himself. "I want to." He wanted to be a good friend. He wanted to be worthy of the friendship she seemed to dispense as strongly as her flames. "Why don't I look through everything that's happened first? I wouldn't want to give you the same memory twice."

"It might be interesting," she countered. "You said your current emotions affected how you recalled a memory."

He nodded to himself and agreed," That's true."

"I should hope. You told me so."

"Okay," he said, eyes beginning to glow," So I just show you a memory. Any memory?"

"Yup, and you got my full consent, no joking nonsense, ready-setty-go," she affirmed, sitting up straight with a little giggle and half hearted salute.

Her flippancy made Jace roll his eyes, but he went forward and delivered a memory he felt was fairly neutral. Just him walking through the streets of New Prav, about a week after becoming the Living Guildpact. He'd really seen Ravnica in a new light in the following weeks after the Implicit Maze. Nothing had changed much, other than a little more order and less intrusions into other Guild's space, but while he had long felt himself to be more or less Ravnican, he'd really felt connected. Probably, because he literally was.

About halfway through the memory, as he was looking down the street to the Izzet League's plume of blue smoke that always amassed, something changed. He'd been raising a hand for a friendly wave—hazarding friendliness wasn't a violation with some subsection of the law as he saw Lavinia—and the memory shifted out from underneath him.

_His lips meet your hand, and the little spike of pain that flares at the tensing of your knuckles is washed away by the fluttering in your stomach. His lips are full and warm, the slightest bit chapped, and you can't help but be amused he can take a stabbing sword to the gut, but the elements weather his lips mercilessly._

_His hand still holds yours, his lips don't draw away immediately, but stay, as if breathing life into your healed but aching muscle. Just like so many times before, you become frustratingly aware of how small you are compared to him, your hand easily nestled into his._

_You can hear blood rushing in your ears, and your chest feels like it may burst. A rush of excitement and apprehension and elation and doubt course through you as you try to withdraw your hand and leave it there in his warm grasp at the same time._

Jace gasped and recoiled, breaking the connection and pushing against the ground like he was going to take off. He went a step beyond that, calling up an illusion and invisibility spell so he could escape and leave a decoy, but Chandra wasn't fooled, lunging straight through the the false Jace and reaching blindly for the real deal. Her open hand made contact with his cloak and she snared it instantly, tugging lightly to stop him.

He frantically wondered how she'd known, in between panicking on how he'd explain.

"Jace! It's okay," she called out," The same thing happened to me once." She almost tagged on "remember?" but thankfully caught herself in time.

He stopped, if only because he felt choking himself with her hold on his cloak would make this whole situation worse and he was unwilling to leave the cloak behind, and dropped his enchantment. 

This was why he was leery about the whole concept. He was usually rather good about controlling his mind, but it only took one slip up to embarrass himself beyond belief—or something far worse. This was mild; he was mortified, but she was safe. What if he had slipped into one of his cyclical thoughts of his dealings with and the consequences of the Consortium?

"Good thing you left the brandy, or maybe _I'd_ get a drink to the face," she joked, forced chuckle quickly falling apart as he didn't react. "Talk to me. Come _on_ , we both hate when you do this."

It wasn't her intention, but she pretty clearly broadcasted," _This isn't fair. I thought I was finally getting my friend back, and he's already closing up on me._ "

"I'm sorry I'm such a bad friend," he whispered.

Her hand fell to the ground. She knew Jace wanted to leave, and she wasn't going to stop him, only frustrate him by clinging. "I'm not exactly very good at it either. I keep pushing you into this. Sorry..."

A sudden calm overcame his brain, the hesitations at what he would find falling away. The humiliation of his blunder and its implications, the worry that he may not agree with his own choices… none of it mattered. All that whispered around the corners of his mind was the desire to know and to share her experience once again. It was how he would kindle this friendship back to the depth she claimed, to the understanding that allowed her to be unphased by his illusions and push against them effortlessly.

Raising a hand that began to glow tepidly, he asked evenly," You want to share all your memories regarding me?" He looked down to her, her form becoming obscured in the brilliant blue that filled his vision.

She nodded mutely, kind of taken off guard by his sudden composure. 

"Then I'll comb your thoughts, if you don't mind." Waiting for her to draw up the individual memories would be tedious, and he had quite a bit of experience of sifting efficiently. Not to mention he had experience with her in particular.

Running a hand through her messy shock of red, she joked," But I hardly comb my hair."

His lips pressed slightly and one eyebrow quirked. He sat beside her, leaned forward and ready to place his thumb to her forehead and begin.

Rolling her eyes, Chandra rose a hand in a gesture showing, _go ahead_.

It was a matter of seconds as he scoured her memory and viewed every point where he showed up. Some overlapped with what he still remembered: eating as a group in the library, fighting by her side, coming to hopefully enlist her for the Zendikar cause—he ended with his and Gideon's arrival at Regatha.

Their interactions were brief, business, and infrequent—up until one night when she lured him out to vent about her frustrations and he shared much more personal information then he ever would have expected himself to unprompted. 

If falling in love and being rejected had hurt, it had to hurt quite similarly to knowing you'd been rejected and falling in love again. All the funny moments between them, the unexpected qualities that became endearing, and the thought she put into the small things like trying to find a tea like his memory's… Jace knew he couldn't think about that, and instead cut over to one amusing thing he'd learned about Chandra.

"You think my illusions are pretentious?"

She smiled like she'd been caught red handed and shrugged. "You always use them to look cool and collected, and let's face it. You really kind of aren't."

Well, that was fair enough, he thought with a snort of laughter. "You've got me there." He rubbed at his face idly. Suddenly it made sense why washing his face with too hot of water hurt so much. The burns were mostly healed, but they were rather sensitive yet.

Toeing the ground, he mulled over what he'd learned and sat back down hesitantly. "It still seems weird."

"Yeah?" She cocked her head. "You mean 'cause it's from my perspective, but it's you?"

"I'm actually rather used to looking at myself from others' eyes. It's just—I can't recall how I felt during that time. _Why_ I made decisions I did. I mean, I guess I get how we fell into sharing memories, but how in the multiverse did I come to the conclusion I should perform surgery myself? I barely have down the fundamentals of intangibility."

"That's not very reassuring," she said with a pout.

"I must have been confident at the time, and it worked," Jace defended with a sheepish smile.

She let out a goofy laugh, then reassured," Hey, I can't really criticize impulsive acts." Her smile fell a little as she looked worriedly to him. "I know the last week or two has been a little weird, but—we good?"

Jace let the earnest concern and care she was feeling wrap around him and tried to make them his own. Out of apprehension, he'd been closing up to her mind, but now… It felt really good to open to it and he wanted to feel the same way she did. He wanted to feel the same closeness she had with him and the same reassurance she felt from his presence when he wasn't denying their friendship potential.

"We're good," he said with a nod. He looked to her suspiciously as her eyes got a glint to them and her mind curled to mischievous curiosity.

"So Gideon…"

Jace quickly shook his head, eyes wide and lips pressed tight with such reluctance to speak.

She crossed her arms and sighed. "Fine," she huffed.

"I… don't know if I want anything to come of it," Jace admitted out of guilt. He'd felt her take on his actions. He couldn't know how he felt about invading her thoughts about Nissa, but he was sure he felt at least a little bad. 

Chandra balked and asked," What? Why not? If you like him—I felt it, you like him—then why don't you want him to like you back?"

"Well, liking you didn't exactly go well for me, did it?" he threw back dryly. Catching her pout, he sighed and scratched at the back of his neck, feeling the dread crawl through his stomach as he considered being completely honest. 

"No one's ever liked me back. Not for real," he admitted, his gaze dropping to the ground. His brow crinkled and his throat got tight. "They've only ever used me liking them to make sure I stayed on their side or furthered their plans." 

"Oh, Jace…" She scooted to be beside him so she could take his head in her hands and hold him close, sitting on her feet so she was tall enough to rest her chin on his head. Her giggling amusement was gone, and her somber sympathy only deepened as she heard him sniffle quietly. He may not completely remember sharing his memory of Kallist with her, but now she could only think of it, and how obviously in love he was during it, and how quick and sure he was Kallist didn't know, wouldn't return those feelings.

"It doesn't seem real," he mumbled, his words losing their distinctness with a wet warble eating at them. " _I'm afraid._ " He couldn't admit it aloud, and his mental message was less concrete words than the raw emotion itself.

"I don't think Gideon would try to trick you," Chandra said softly.

"But… It's not always a trick… so much as…" He couldn't put it to words, but Emmara had used his crush on her to help the Selesnya. She had never formed a fake relationship with him like Lili had, but she sure hadn't tried to shut down his pining as she asked him to help her guild over the course of the Implicit maze and the events prior that had the Selesyna afraid of the the Izzet.

He blinked away tears, realizing he was losing control but desperately not wanting to break down in front of Chandra. As she began to run her fingers through his hair though, he almost… felt _safe_ enough to cry. He was wrapped in the warm arms of someone he'd shared a lot with, someone he could call a friend, and he knew her mind to be straightforward, not to deceive those she knew. 

"I wish I could _know_ ," Jace began, then grimaced and added," without prying his mind open like a clam."

Chandra laughed joylessly as she reminded him," You could try asking him. You know, with words?" Maybe if he tried actually addressing his feelings, things would work out better for him.

Jace wasn't thrilled with the suggestion, but he didn't exactly have an argument to throw back. Gideon seemed so honest, and his mind wasn't twisted like Liliana's so he could lie to a telepath. It just… was less than appealing to discuss such a touchy topic with the other, especially after all the drama he'd caused with Chandra and erasing his own memories.

"I envy your confidence sometimes," Jace admitted, then felt silly for doing so. "I can't imagine feeling like it was easy to talk to someone."

"I don't know that easy is the right way to put it, but you know. You gotta', and it's better to just get it out of the way. What's the point stewing over it and getting even more confused?"

That was a rather compelling argument, Jace had to admit. He'd always been the more, _maybe if I ignore it long enough, the problem will go away_ , kind of guy himself though. 

"I guess I'll talk to him," Jace said, blinking a few more tears free to roll down his cheeks. "... Tomorrow," he tagged on cowardly.

"That's what you'll say tomorrow," she accused, but she smiled as she continued to brush through his hair.

He grinned lopsidedly and admitted," Maybe."

"I think you should give Gideon a chance though. He's a good guy." Her opinion of him had certainly wavered over their time knowing each other, but she thought of him fighting the Riders in her defense and how he found her a way to survive with her power in tact just because of their time working together. He had never owed her the work he put in to protect her, even if he had been in cahoots with the enemy the whole while. He seemed to genuinely care about people, with no selfish reason for it. He spent his childhood stealing from the rich and giving to the poor for gods' sake.

Jace couldn't admit one more big reason he was reluctant act on his feelings for Gideon. Some part of him still hoped he could mend his relationship with Liliana. Even after all she'd done, after how she'd tricked him, hurt him, told him he only mattered to her as much as a dog, even after all the emotional abuse and constant reminder they ended on bad terms… He still was a stupid love-struck boy about her.

"Do you want to head back? I heard Lavinia say she had lots of paperwork for you."

Jace groaned but pulled away, rubbing half heartedly at one eye. "Yeah. I've been kind of slacking. I hate dealing with the Rakdos maze runner and I'm just trying to put it off as long as possible."

That Exava no longer seemed to bear any resentment his way and in fact seemed to display much more… _friendly_ emotions… disconcerted him.

Chandra pat his shoulder with a mutter of something to the effect of "that sucks". 

"I should get it out of the way, though, huh?" He gave her a wan smile.

"I would."

Jace got to his feet and offered her a hand up. "I guess I have two hard talks ahead of me tomorrow."

She squeezed his hand and said," Good luck."

~~  
~~

Jace was walking down the hallway that lead to Gideon's room. He had gotten through a Guildmeet and the private meeting with Exava that he had been putting off; he was doing well for today. He would make good on his half-promise to Chandra and just talk things through with Gideon. 

As his knuckles came up to knock on the door, Jace hesitated though. His fist loosened and tightened as he stared forward and tried to make himself go through with it. Swallowing awkwardly, Jace took a step back and ran his hand through his hair.

Ral hadn't shown up to the Meet again. He should really check on that, shouldn't he? 

Yeah. Jace shook his head to himself as he affirmed that he should act on his Guildpact duties. Heading back to his Guildmeet office to prepare what he should say to Ral, Jace tried not to think about a certain hieromancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for Standing Still, which leads directly into Stitch in Time, chronologically. That's not it for this series, though. Thanks to everyone who's been following this series, and special thanks for all the kudos! I would love to hear your thoughts on this story!


End file.
